KILLER KLOWNS is my New Religion

Just by looking at this movie’s title it may surprise you to learn that you’re already 16 words into this review and at least 10 of those words weren’t “bung.” Honestly, I am at a complete loss for words. All I know is what I saw, so I’m just going to walk you through what I spent last night watching and let you try to wrap your head around it yourself. Before you read the following paragraph, understand that none of the words in it are made up, and all the scenarios described happened in the same hour and a half.

A spaceship shaped like a circus tent crash-lands in a rural town. Out of that tent emerge four 8-foot tall blood-drinking clowns and one midget clown who terrorize the townspeople by, in order of least rad to most rad:

- Shooting them with popcorn.
- Turning them into cotton candy
- Punching their heads off.
- Turning them into puppets.
- Eating them with shadow-puppet dinosaurs.
- Throwing pies at them.
- Watching them shower.


If you try real hard and believe in yourself, you can maybe convince yourself that you can't see that arm in that Killer Klown glove.

In Disney’s The Black Hole, Dr. Kate McRae said, “Dr. Reinhardt is walking a tightrope between genius and insanity.” Killer Klowns From Outer Space is doing the exact same thing. I have two explanations for why I absolutely love this movie. The first: you know how, in races like NASCAR or the 1600 meter run, it’s possible for one of the guys to get his ass kicked so bad that if you look at the track it actually looks like they’re ahead? I think, on the scale of one to ten, Killer Klowns is so far below zero that it’s actually just above ten. The second reason is that I can’t make fun of it, for social reasons, kind of like how you just can’t make fun of “special needs” people. See? I can’t even bring myself to type "retarded." Damn my social conscious.

When I first saw the title I really wanted to hate this movie just so I could write that it was “Krap.” But I loved it. Something that annoys me more than anything are "club guys" (and "club girls," too, I guess) who try way too hard to make me think they’re cooler than they are and come off as unpersonable dumbasses who I hope Dennis throws up on at some point. On the other hand, I tend to gravitate to (and try to be) a person who’s not afraid to laugh at himself every now and then. Killer Klowns knows how Goddamned bad it is and runs with it, making it not bad-bad, but bad-brilliant. This movie is a damn blast. And everytime, after someone gets killed in an espically malevolent manner, a kick-ass gituar riff plays. Three and a half Jason heads. That extra half is because this movie was given to me by someone who actually had it in their personal movie collection. On DVD. When I gave it back to that person, I also asked that person if they would be so kind as to turn my water to wine and bring back the dinosaurs because that person was obviously God.

Okay…tomorrow’s review is An American Werewolf in London. I swear.

P.S. Personal victory: Last Saturday I finally got a phone number from a girl who I've loudly and liberally proclaimed to be hottest girl ever for the last two years, with the appropriately hot name of Kaitlyn. I’d go into more detail if I didn't think that everyone in Charlotte read Homemade Fireworks, but I’m pretty sure they do.

CUBE is not square!

Cube is not about the black guy from Anaconda or anything that Christian Slater would gleam. It is about Canadians getting sliced into hundreds of tiny pieces and having their faces melted off, and…holy shit, why am I even continuing since everyone who was reading this is on their way to the video store right now.

Cube is the story of a group of strangers who wake up in separate, empty, cube-shaped rooms with no idea how they got there. There’s a door on each wall, each door leading to…another cube-shaped room, and so on and so on and so on. When all the people finally converge, they try to figure out how they got there. Well, the ones whose heads haven’t exploded.

Cube is probably my worst nightmare come true. It’s about a group of people put into a life-or-death situation where their only hope for survial lies in their knowledge of…algebra. Since I spent FOUR YEARS trying to pass algebra you’d think I’d be fine, until I tell you that I spent the majority of those four years drawing kick-ass space battles on the inside of my Trapper. I finally passed because I copied off Ryan Morrison on every single test, so unless Ryan Morrison or an equally-intelligent graphic calculator also happened to be a prisoner in the cube, I’d think I’d get an "F" for "fucked."


Since I can't find any screenshots for Cube check out this re-enactment, starring popular Canadian sensation Dave Coulier

This movie cost less to make than I paid to rent it. According to IMDB, Cube was filmed using one 16’ by 16’ set and nothing but handheld cameras. You can’t tell, though. The effects are awesome, and the movie works because it revolves around a concept that’s so simple it’s genius. If you’re noticing a trend to the Shocktober Spectacular it’s that the high scorers either have Rowdy Roddy Piper in them or have a strong story to fall back on. Cube does a brilliant job creating the paranoia and claustrophobia it set out to create. If you’ve never seen this movie, see it.

How sweet was this movie? Sweet-ass-sweet. Three and a half-Jason heads.

I’ve spent all week writing…as you can probably tell I’m shit out of jokes. I’m taking tomorrow off. Monday’s review—An American Werewolf in London, courtesy of Craig "Hitman" Hurt.

If you need your daily horror movie reviews, calm down, Pooky. Wait till tomorrow and then click here for the greatest horror movie review ever written. More hilarity from the guy at XE. Check out his site. It’s the most bestest. I insist you all become fans.

Late.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES

Just because you call something something doesn’t mean that’s what it is. For example, whenever someone asks me what my MP3 player is I tell them it’s a time-traveling poon attractor, but no matter how much I insist that it is, it still hasn’t sent me to 1834 to tame the wild west with Halle Berry and the closest thing I could find to her lesbian twin sister.

Numerous Web sites call The Hills Have Eyes a "classic horror movie." They are 1/3 right. The Hills Have Eyes is, in fact, a movie. It’s as "classic" as those "Sweet Pickles" commercials that used to come on during the USA Cartoon Network and just about as scary. It receives praise as being one of the first movies to feature cannibals, but come on, dicks. Theodore Rex was the first movie to feature Whoop Goldberg in leather starring alongside a talking rubber six-foot dinosaur, and if you thing that’s a classic you better not be allowed to leave your house unless you’re under constant sniper surveillance.

THHE, as it will subsequently be referred to for simplicity’s sake, is the story of a group of, judging by their wardrobes, either child molestors or guys who were on there way to a party where everyone had to dress up like child molesters, whose RV crashes in the middle of a nuclear test zone or something and are attacked by a group of cannibals. I think. These guys were wearing some really tight shorts, and I’ll be honest…it’s hard trying to focus on baby-eating cannibals when you've got a dude trying to act in his sister's gym clothes. I’m not really here to talk about The Hills Have Eyes, anyway. I'm here to talk about this guy.



It's pretty easy to be the coolest guy in The Hills Have Eyes when you're the coolest guy ever. As far as I’m concerned, if your movie has this guy in it you’ve got an "all-star cast," end of story. Remember that movie "The Fifth Element?" Well, if there really is a Fifth Element, I imagine it probably looks a lot like this guy.

THHE has some pretty insane death scenes, I guess, but it’s just not scary. It really wants to be, and Wes Craven really wants me to think it is, and maybe at one time it was, but it just doesn’t hold up in today’s society, where I see guys scarier than the villians every day in my office’s break room. One and a half Jason heads, due to a half-a-head penalty for posing as a classic and for having the worst name for a movie since, now that I think about it, "Theodore Rex."

Tomorrow’s review is for a movie that so so so kicks ass, and, despite it’s title, is not about video game systems or South Central rappers.

To THE BLOB You Are Lunch

Go back a couple of posts and check out the three movies I originally planned to review for today. See how all of them were foreign, exotic, and critically acclaimed? Well Blockbuster didn’t have any of them, and you didn’t have to get your Master’s degree from the University of the fucking obvious to see that The Blob was the evident fourth choice.

In the last year I’ve seen Freddy Vs. Jason, Alien Vs. Predator…I’ve even heard rumors of a Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash movie. Yeah, it seems like everyone wants a piece of everyone in this free-for-all era of dead ‘80s movie monsters challenging other dead ‘80s movie monsters to the death, but I’ve noticed that no one’s knocking down the Blob’s door looking for a fight. If you were to view video footage of Steven Segal’s home, you’d also notice that no one seems to be bursting in on him while he’s on the toilet, handing him a samurai sword, putting him in a wrist lock, and daring him to try to get out of it, pussy, either. That’s because these are the first- and second-worst ideas in the world, respectively.

I had no idea how omnipotent the Blob was until last night, when I saw it kill people in ways that defy the very laws of a) Hollywood and b) the cosmos. Not to mention, the fact that you were just eaten by something that looks like Pop-Tart filling adds insult to injury and is even somewhat ironic. The Blob is the new king of horror because:

1) The Blob will break the laws of physics…while he breaks your ass!
Freddy Kruger controls your dreams, which means that if he wants to kill you in your sleep by cutting out your veins and turning you into a human marionette, he can and will. I’ve seen him do it. With that said, I’ve never once seen him grab a grown man by the face and pull him down a two-inch sink drain. The Blob's done it, and he was even polite enough not to point out to Freddy that he wasn’t in no damn dream world while he was doing it. But you could tell he was thinking it. Later in the movie, the Blob bent a man in half, backwards, and yanked him through a door window no more than a foot in diameter.*

2) The Blob fucking hates kids
Have you ever seen a kid under the age of 12 killed onscreen in a movie, ever? No, you haven’t. Unless you’ve seen The Blob. While chasing a pair of kids though a sewer, the Blob extends it’s middle finger towards Hollywood and their unwritten but firmly established horror movie rules by finally catching and killing one of them. On screen. Of course, this is the Blob, so he couldn’t just eat the screaming kid without slowly dissolving off all of his skin first. On screen. Man. If I ever find myself sitting next to the Blob on a subway, I’m just going to avoid eye contact, pretend like I’m reading my paper, and wait for my stop.


3) The Blob was made in the U.S.A
I know it sounds like I am, but I’m totally not ruining the movie by telling you that the Blob turns out to be a chemical weapon engineered by the U.S. government to fight—you guessed it—the Soviets. Yeah, if the Blob would’ve been released under the unsuspecting Iron Curtain as planned we may have been able to save Apollo Creed’s life, but don’t hate the Blob for escaping. Hate the system that failed to contain it. So if you ever find yourself being digested by the Blob, it may make you feel better know that when he’s eating you, he’s doing it with a dose of the good old American spirit.


According to John Travolta, this is what the Blob is called in France.

The Blob is so badass that his movie is the only movie to ever give me nightmares without me even seeing it. Remember Fangoria magazine? True story: I saw a few pictures of the Blob’s aftermath in it one day as a kid and I literally couldn’t eat for two days after because they were so disgusting. I figured there was no better time to fight my fears than now. After finally watching the movie that caused me to prejudicially judge amorphous government-designed chemical weapons as a kid, I must say that the blob oozed his way right out of the screen and right into my heart. Yeah, I still fear the Blob, but now I don’t fear him out of fright. I fear him out of respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The Blob is what the Shocktober Spectacular is all about. It’s the most fun movie I’ve seen yet. Three and a half Jason heads.

* the guy who got yanked out the door was Paul McCrane, who was notorious in the ‘80s for his gruesome movie deaths. He was guy in Robocop who fell in the toxic waste vat and then got hit by a car so hard it made his already-melting head explode against the windshield. He finally achieved mainstream success in 2000 as a regular on E.R., where it probably wasn’t long before his character was stabbed in the eye with an AIDS-infected scalpel and then thrown out of a window just before his corpse was anally violated by an elephant.

The Homemade Fireworks HALLOWEEN SPECIAL, provided by X-Entertainment

Yeah, I watched a movie last night, but I've been so busy that there's no way I'll be able to get the review up. Today's halloween hilarity comes to you courtesy of the geniuses (genius)at X Entertainment. Click here for the most long-overdue movie crossover ever.

If you were to hypothetically ask me what kind of Web site I'd build if I had an unlimited amount of money, Internet knowledge, and access to information, I'd describe X Entertainment. Luckiy for me, that site already exists. X Entertainment is hands down my favorite site on the Web. It's a huge site dedicated to all things '80s. The one guy who writes all the reviews is freaking hilarious, covering everything from Star Wars figures to M.U.S.C.L.E. Men to V:The Minisiries to The Corey Haim Diary. There's even a collection of 80's commericals, one of which stars Rowdy Roddy Piper. You could spend weeks at this site, and I guarantee you the guy has written a review about whatever you type into his "Search XE" search engine at the bottom of his site. Try it. Now.

Big ups XE.

As for me, I'm writing a review of two night's ago's movie right now and everything will be back to normal tomorrow.

HELLRAISER II Will Take Five Years Off Of Your Life

Apparently there’s some huge backstory behind the monsters from Hellraiser that I don’t know, but I’ve been able to form an opinion on who my favorite character is based on my limited knowledge. My favorite character in the entire Hellraiser mythology is the guy at the distribution company who looked at the other guys in the boardroom after the Hellraiser II test screening and said, “Hmmmm. You know what? I LIKE IT!” This guy obviously has titanium balls the size of watermelons and fears nothing. As bad as I want to believe this guy really exists, I know he doesn’t. The only logical explanation on how this movie came to be is that the janitor jokingly signed off on it while the rest of the guys were out to lunch.

It’s hard to be funny reviewing a movie like this. Hellraiser II is not creepy, scary, or stylistic at all. It’s just straight-up sick. The entire film is so vile, so disturbing, and so nihilistic that it’s single-handedly responsible for my fear of the dark, the light, the night, the day, and pretty much any general open spaces.

From a critical standpoint Hellraiser II is crap. It may or may not be about something, I don’t know. The majority of the movie consists of the various characters wandering through the corridors of hell, experiencing a series of images so horrific that you shouldn’t watch this movie unless you have immediate access to a defibrillator and Noah Wylie to yell “CLEAR!” as he hits you with it.



Pictured above is a woman with no skin. It's also the least fucked up thing in this movie. When it comes down to it, Hellraiser II is nothing more than a graphic portrayal of the uncomprehendable pain and suffering that infinitely torments souls in hell, and we’re not talking lake of fire here. The reason this movie scares me so much is because, while I may not be the most religious guy to ever put up a list of the top 10 gratuitious movie nude scenes on his blog, I honestly have no problem believing that there might actually be a Hell, and that the people who end up there have to spend an eternity having the things that are done in this movie done to them. You feel evil just for watching it. That's why Hellraiser II made me hug my mom and help an old lady cross the street the second it was over.

Horror movies are fun because they’re scary, but this crosses the line in literally the first ONE SECOND OF THE MOVIE. Everything from that point on is so disgusting and repellent that it no longer can be considered entertainment. I would hate to meet or even live on the same planet as anyone who had this in their personal video library. Hellraiser II gets two Jason heads, both of which would be covered with maggots and then slowly torn apart by a series of rusty torture devices if they appeared in this movie.

Since Homemade Fireworks is a bastion of racial equality, tomorrow’s review will either be Ringu, The Eye, or The Devil’s Backbone.

P.S. I don't know if Pinhead has Internet access or not, but if he does...uh...I was just joking about that whole "Hellraiser II is crap" thing.

Elm Street II...You'll Have A Gay Old Time!

S. & M. bars. Naked P.E. coach asses. Male sleepovers. It theoretically could be the story behind any movie, but it could only be the TRUE story behind A Nightmare On Elm Street II: Freddy’s Revenge, which will subsequently be referred to, for simplicity’s sake, as ANOESII:FR.

You know how most reviews of sequels include the sentence “the sequel picks up right where the original movie left off?” Well you could also use that line for Elm Street II’s review, as long as the “original movie” you’re referring to is any other movie besides Elm Street I. The director must’ve never seen the first movie, because this one has nothing to do with it or with anything else, really. Like most directors, this one chose to compensate for lack of story and characterization by including tons of male nudity.

ANOESII: FR is the story of Jesse Walsh, the horror genre’s most simply fabulous hero. He’s the new kid in town who instantly hits it off with cute Lisa because they’ve got so much in common—they both like rock music, they’re both into “The Cosby Show,” and they both have vaginas. One night when Lisa visits Jesse, probably to do some scrapbooking, they discover the diary of Nancy, Jesse’s house’s former occupant, and find out that the same house also used to belong to Freddy Kruger, who shows up in this movie for just over four seconds. Jesse puts two and two together and realizes that Kruger is the scary man who has replaced Scott Baio in Jesse’s nightly dreams. But it gets worse. As it turns out, Freddy is trying to possess Jesse and take over his body so that he can escape the captivity of the dream world and finally be able to tounge-kiss the captain of the football team from beyond the grave.

I’ve heard that the unspoken theme of Freddy's Revenge is Jesse's attempt to come to terms with his closet homosexuality and I know what you’re thinking--that I watched this movie and unbiasedly looked for anything even remotely queer to make fun of for the sake of this review’s humor. Not necessary. Let's get one thing straight: I have no problem whatsoever with homosexuals, but I have a huge problem with things in my horror movies that aren't horror, gay, straight, or otherwise. Folks, this movie is gay. I’m talking Steel Magnolias Sigfried and Roy gay. Which leads me to the most "did I really just see what I thought I saw?" moment in motion picture history.

As Freddy continues to take over, Jesse’s gay decent into madness causes him to stumble into a gay S & M bar that plays really gay music. As luck would have it, this is also the bar that his gay gym teacher secretly frequents. The scene then cuts to the still leather-clad P.E. teacher watching as Jesse runs gay laps around a gymnasium, which was probably also gay.

Since the filmmakers included no warnings in terms of disclaimers on the box to inform me of what was about to happen, I’m not going to pad this with anything and just rock you in the face with the facts. Please understand that I’m not making up anything in this paragraph. The P.E. teacher goes back to his office, where he is attacked by a variety of…balls. Then he is dragged to the showers by a pair of jump ropes where his clothes instantly and automatically strip off his body, followed by his bare ass being repeatedly whipped by a ghastly flying towel. Yep. That’s really what happens. But guess what? This is not the gayest thing in this movie. There’s a solo dance scene where Jesse mimes masturbation with a pop-gun, followed up by him bumping desk drawers closed with his ass. It was a scene so homoerotic that not even Roddy Piper could watch it without suddenly craving dong.

I’m never one to judge a movie simply based on where it’s target audience likes to stick their penis, and let’s be honest…I had a blast watching this. The problem was that it just wasn’t scary. Add to that the fact that Freddy really didn’t show up in his own movie until the end. Even though I’m I die-hard Elm Street III and IV fan, I can only give this one two and a half Jason heads. That half is because there’s an exploding parakeet in this movie that's totally rad.

I’m breaking my rule again for one last time tonight with a Shocktober Spectacular favorite. It’s a movie so batshit that you could watch it while eating babies and rubbing feces over yourself and still be less fucked up than anything happening on the screen at any given time.

Oh, Man! THE OMEN

(disclaimer: Homemade Fireworks is NOT down with the devil. It most certainly is not!)

Only three days in and the Shocktober Spectacular is already having an affect on my psyche. The Omen creeped me out so bad that I seriously thought about calling the whole thing off. For reals.

Apparently Satan was a huge box office draw in the late seventies, and I’m sure he’s happy to see that both of his movies received scores well over “7” on the Internet Movie Database. I, on the other had, hate movies about the devil because I totally believe in that stuff. I didn't think The Omen was as scary as The Exorcist while I was watching it, but it certainly had a worse “aftertaste,” if you will, as you’ll find out later.

The Omen has no monsters, no blood, no CGI, no animatronics…and no freaking mercy. It did have a score that made me shit egg rolls every time I heard it, though. The music was composed by Jerry Goldsmith, who is now dead, which can only mean one thing: The Omen is totally cursed.

BONUS UPDATE...FROM HELL!: The Omen really WAS cursed. This comes as no suprise to me. Click here to read about how pretty much everyone involved with it died horrible, probably Satan-influenced deaths!

I consider The Omen “top-shelf horror.” I imagine it was the What Lies Beneath or The Ring or The Others of it’s time, because of it’s A-List stars. The Omen starred Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, the Antichrist’s father, and a young Angus Young as the Antichrist himself. It also starred Tron’s David Warner, who had the best death scene in the movie that made him dead as…Dillinger! OH HO HO HA HA HA HA HO HO HA HA!!! * Ahem. Anyway, these type of movies usually trade effects for mood, which translates to way more scares. The Omen was no exception. I’m going to reluctantly give this one 4 and ½ Jason heads. Reluctantly because it was too good at what it did. That’s why Monday’s review is going to be Elm Street II. I hear it’s the horror genre’s most simply fabulous! movie.

TRUE STORY: It took me literally less than FIVE MINUTES to have nightmares about this movie. I went to sleep right after watching it and had the freakiest dream about that kid Damien, all of which I still totally remember but don’t want to get into. So here’s the kicker…I knew I was dreaming but I couldn’t wake up, and it just kept getting worse. It was like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre when that girl got hung on that meathook and you kept waiting for the camera to cut away but it didn’t. So here’s the double kicker: when I finally woke up, I couldn’t move. I was completely paralyzed for like ten seconds. I am so not joking. You know what? Give me back my Jason heads. I hate you, The Omen.

*Click here for an explanation of that joke which probably went totally over your head, and then prepare to kneel before my unequalled ‘80s movie references!

Jeepers Creepers...When Bad Names Happen To Good Movies

Lets be honest…a stupid name can mean bad news for good people. In further establishing himself as the George Castanza of our group, my friend Kevin once refused to date a cute girl because she had a terrible name. Hell, I’ve always been a pretty popular and personable guy, and even I had to endure an entire summer of David Hamm calling me “Mike Monzeeter with the millimeter peter” when I was a kid, which used to piss me off even though "Monzeeter" is nowhere even close to my last name.

Anyway, I never saw Jeepers Creepers because I always avoid movies that are named after baby talk. That was a mistake, because this movie was on time.



As you can tell from the picture above, Jeepers Creepers stars David Schwimmer and Drea De Matteo, who were on a road trip, probably to go visit Joey. About 10 minutes into the movie they get run off the road by a creepy old truck and bad things begin to happen. Now that I think about it, the same truck ran them off the road two more times later in the movie…it was like they were always stuck in second gear.

My favorite thing about the Jeepers Creepers Creeper, as we'll call him, is that he really doesn't care who sees him. You know how most horror movie monsters lurk in the shadows? The Jeepers Creepers monster knows he's so bad-ass that he justs walks right up to a car in the middle of a well-lit gas station full of patrons. And why does he do it? To make a kill? No. To feed on brains? Nope. To sniff underwear. Man...that takes balls.

Anyway, this movie’s got more scary shit than a Taco Bell restroom. It didn’t beat your senses into submission like the new Chainsaw Massacre, and is was nowhere near as creepy as The Ring, The Others, or other “top-shelf” horror of the time. Still, it didn’t try to be anything it wasn’t, but it knew just what it was, and it delivered in good old-fashioned monster-movie manner. That’s why I give Jeepers Creepers 3 ½ Jason heads. Plus the chick in it was hot and my friend Kevin would probably totally date her.

Unless, of course, her name ended up being something like “Cocktease McHerpes.”

Tomorrow's Review: "THE OMEN!!"

Aliens Plan A Corporate Takeover Of Earth In THEY LIVE.

They Live is the absolutely true story of what would happen if an ex-pro wrestler found a special pair of sunglasses that revealed that aliens were living among us. It’s also the toughest movie ever made—that’s it, that’s all, that’s what I did on my summer vacation, end of story.

All John Carpenter is doing with They Live is telling the world the exact same story I’ve been telling girls on our first dates for years: that hideous aliens are living among us and are planning a corporate takeover…OF EARTH!!!! They’re also using TV and stoplights to lull us into a trance. The girls usually walk out before I can get to the part about how the only way we can tell the difference between humans and aliesn is by wearing sunglasses, but that part's pretty important to know, too.

I don’t care how much of a cinematic purist you are, They Live has two scenes which have become classics. The first happens right after Roddy Piper uses Ray-Bans to discover that rich people are really hideous aliens. Now let me ask you, “how would you react to this revelation?” If you’re answer was not, word for word, “I’d shit myself,” than you’re totally lying right now, liar. Of course, this is Roddy Piper, and he reacts to things differently than most people would. Instead of contacting the nearest authority, Roddy arranges a welcoming committee of his own. He walks into a bank with about five guns and one equally lethal haircut, cocks his shotgun, and says what were probably the same words God spoke to initiate creation:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

I kind of want aliens to invade just so I can say this. The movie also contains another absolutely classic line (“brother…life’s a bitch. And she’s back in heat.”) but after that “bubblegum” line, the “bitch in heat,” line could’ve been delivered by Rebecca Rojimn naked in a hot tub full of warm jello and it really wouldn’t have mattered.

The second classic scene is the fight between Roddy Piper and a huge guy with two first names. Like all fights, it starts because the one guy won’t try on another guy’s sunglasses. It’s the grittiest, most realistic, most hard-to-watch fight I’ve ever seen in a movie to date. There’s no CGI or wires here. Are you kidding me? This movie stars the same guy who was in a boxing match against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Nope--this scene’s gimmick is that the punches are real. And the other gimmick is that it goes on for about 20 minutes. And yes, the fight has wrestling moves in it.



I’m not going to give this movie a score. Instead, I’ll end with some facts and let you score it yourself.

1.) Before this movie came out, Rowdy Roddy Piper was my favorite wrestler.
2.) After I saw this movie in seventh grade, I drew 55 full pages of comic about it in my Texas History notebook (which I still have and maybe someday I’ll link to).
3.) Whenever I turn on my computer it says the “bubblegum…” line, and when I turn it off it says the “bitch in heat…” line.

You know what? Fuck this, I am going to give They Live a score. One hundred million billion Jason heads.

Tonight’s movie/tomorrow’s review: Whoah, Scoob! It’s, like, Jeepers Creepers! Ruh Ro!!

The First Annual Shock-tober Spectacular Starts...NOW!!!

Much like my biceps, my Halloween celebrations have grown to almost unmanageable levels over the last three years. What started out as a viewing of a single horror movie on Halloween night has evolved into the FIRST ANNUAL HALLOWEEN SHOCKTOBER SPECTACULAR--26 days of murder, mayhem, and movie reviews! And holy shit, this thing will totally eat your children.

THE DEAL: Every night from now until November 1st I'll watch a new horror movie and write a review on it. Movies from the discount bin are stongly favored, and the trend I've noticed is that the movie's production value, level of how serious it takes itself, and number of years after 1989 it came out is usually inversely rated to how much I love it. Through the magic of the Internet, every review will be posted here for your reading pleasure the following day. Don't thank me. Thank Al Gore.

THE GIMMICK: Usually I break out my old favorites and revisit them. This year all 26 movies have to be movies I've never seen before. Bonus points for movies I've never even heard of.

THE SCORING: Last year I logged onto a Web site that scored horror movies using "Jason Hockey Mask" graphics instead of the more traditional stars. Totally stealing this idea, every movie I review will get a score between one and five Jason heads, but since I have no idea how to make this graphic, I will probably just type out how many Jason Heads it would have gotten if I could. For reference purposes, a "one Jason Head" movie is one in which people like Neve Campbell and Jerry O'Connell (who I'd both totally bone) play 25-year-old high school kids who talk about nothing but horror movies and don't realize this is totally annoying except for when I do it. And if you want five Jason Heads, well, your movie damn well better include at least five head explosions or at least have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in it.

THE FINALE: This Halloween is especially cool because I'm actually starring in a horror movie myself, which will finish shooting right around Halloween. The Shocktober Spectacualr will conclude with a photo retrospective of the entire shoot.


So stop by tomorrow, where I'll instantly break my only rule and start the Shocktober Spectacular off by reviewing "THEY LIVE"

Boo