CUBE is not square!

Cube is not about the black guy from Anaconda or anything that Christian Slater would gleam. It is about Canadians getting sliced into hundreds of tiny pieces and having their faces melted off, and…holy shit, why am I even continuing since everyone who was reading this is on their way to the video store right now.

Cube is the story of a group of strangers who wake up in separate, empty, cube-shaped rooms with no idea how they got there. There’s a door on each wall, each door leading to…another cube-shaped room, and so on and so on and so on. When all the people finally converge, they try to figure out how they got there. Well, the ones whose heads haven’t exploded.

Cube is probably my worst nightmare come true. It’s about a group of people put into a life-or-death situation where their only hope for survial lies in their knowledge of…algebra. Since I spent FOUR YEARS trying to pass algebra you’d think I’d be fine, until I tell you that I spent the majority of those four years drawing kick-ass space battles on the inside of my Trapper. I finally passed because I copied off Ryan Morrison on every single test, so unless Ryan Morrison or an equally-intelligent graphic calculator also happened to be a prisoner in the cube, I’d think I’d get an "F" for "fucked."


Since I can't find any screenshots for Cube check out this re-enactment, starring popular Canadian sensation Dave Coulier

This movie cost less to make than I paid to rent it. According to IMDB, Cube was filmed using one 16’ by 16’ set and nothing but handheld cameras. You can’t tell, though. The effects are awesome, and the movie works because it revolves around a concept that’s so simple it’s genius. If you’re noticing a trend to the Shocktober Spectacular it’s that the high scorers either have Rowdy Roddy Piper in them or have a strong story to fall back on. Cube does a brilliant job creating the paranoia and claustrophobia it set out to create. If you’ve never seen this movie, see it.

How sweet was this movie? Sweet-ass-sweet. Three and a half-Jason heads.

I’ve spent all week writing…as you can probably tell I’m shit out of jokes. I’m taking tomorrow off. Monday’s review—An American Werewolf in London, courtesy of Craig "Hitman" Hurt.

If you need your daily horror movie reviews, calm down, Pooky. Wait till tomorrow and then click here for the greatest horror movie review ever written. More hilarity from the guy at XE. Check out his site. It’s the most bestest. I insist you all become fans.

Late.