HELLRAISER II Will Take Five Years Off Of Your Life

Apparently there’s some huge backstory behind the monsters from Hellraiser that I don’t know, but I’ve been able to form an opinion on who my favorite character is based on my limited knowledge. My favorite character in the entire Hellraiser mythology is the guy at the distribution company who looked at the other guys in the boardroom after the Hellraiser II test screening and said, “Hmmmm. You know what? I LIKE IT!” This guy obviously has titanium balls the size of watermelons and fears nothing. As bad as I want to believe this guy really exists, I know he doesn’t. The only logical explanation on how this movie came to be is that the janitor jokingly signed off on it while the rest of the guys were out to lunch.

It’s hard to be funny reviewing a movie like this. Hellraiser II is not creepy, scary, or stylistic at all. It’s just straight-up sick. The entire film is so vile, so disturbing, and so nihilistic that it’s single-handedly responsible for my fear of the dark, the light, the night, the day, and pretty much any general open spaces.

From a critical standpoint Hellraiser II is crap. It may or may not be about something, I don’t know. The majority of the movie consists of the various characters wandering through the corridors of hell, experiencing a series of images so horrific that you shouldn’t watch this movie unless you have immediate access to a defibrillator and Noah Wylie to yell “CLEAR!” as he hits you with it.



Pictured above is a woman with no skin. It's also the least fucked up thing in this movie. When it comes down to it, Hellraiser II is nothing more than a graphic portrayal of the uncomprehendable pain and suffering that infinitely torments souls in hell, and we’re not talking lake of fire here. The reason this movie scares me so much is because, while I may not be the most religious guy to ever put up a list of the top 10 gratuitious movie nude scenes on his blog, I honestly have no problem believing that there might actually be a Hell, and that the people who end up there have to spend an eternity having the things that are done in this movie done to them. You feel evil just for watching it. That's why Hellraiser II made me hug my mom and help an old lady cross the street the second it was over.

Horror movies are fun because they’re scary, but this crosses the line in literally the first ONE SECOND OF THE MOVIE. Everything from that point on is so disgusting and repellent that it no longer can be considered entertainment. I would hate to meet or even live on the same planet as anyone who had this in their personal video library. Hellraiser II gets two Jason heads, both of which would be covered with maggots and then slowly torn apart by a series of rusty torture devices if they appeared in this movie.

Since Homemade Fireworks is a bastion of racial equality, tomorrow’s review will either be Ringu, The Eye, or The Devil’s Backbone.

P.S. I don't know if Pinhead has Internet access or not, but if he does...uh...I was just joking about that whole "Hellraiser II is crap" thing.