You Come In Peace?! You Leave in Pieces, Asshole!

Well, it looks like the human race has a new savior, and, luckily for the human race, it's motherfucking me. My agent called me yesterday with an audition that was so badass it apparently defied description, because when I asked him what it was for, he said "check your email," and hung up. So I did, and when I opened his email, I saw the three sentences I dream about seeing every time I open any email, but I never do. Except this time. I quote:

Synopsis: Four hunters on a weekend camping trip are stalked by small alien creatures intent on nothing but eating any living thing in sight. The hunter's only chance of survival lies in the alien's fear of light. If the quartet can survive until daybreak, they can escape the deadly forest, if they can survive. Your part is for the lead.

Anyone that knows me knows I love horror movies more than damn near anything, so I roll up to the audition with my most hard-as-steel alien-killing face, which, since I don't have a digital camera yet, looks alot like this. And even though I didn't get to say any bad-ass lines like, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum," you for damn sure better believe I used my five minutes of audition to send alienkind a message they won't soon forget. That message, by the way, was "pain." Will I get the role? I don't know, but if, in two weeks or so, you notice that the majority of your face is not being torn apart by the razor-sharp jaws of an alien feeding machine, then the answer is "yes." You're welcome.