Aliens Plan A Corporate Takeover Of Earth In THEY LIVE.

They Live is the absolutely true story of what would happen if an ex-pro wrestler found a special pair of sunglasses that revealed that aliens were living among us. It’s also the toughest movie ever made—that’s it, that’s all, that’s what I did on my summer vacation, end of story.

All John Carpenter is doing with They Live is telling the world the exact same story I’ve been telling girls on our first dates for years: that hideous aliens are living among us and are planning a corporate takeover…OF EARTH!!!! They’re also using TV and stoplights to lull us into a trance. The girls usually walk out before I can get to the part about how the only way we can tell the difference between humans and aliesn is by wearing sunglasses, but that part's pretty important to know, too.

I don’t care how much of a cinematic purist you are, They Live has two scenes which have become classics. The first happens right after Roddy Piper uses Ray-Bans to discover that rich people are really hideous aliens. Now let me ask you, “how would you react to this revelation?” If you’re answer was not, word for word, “I’d shit myself,” than you’re totally lying right now, liar. Of course, this is Roddy Piper, and he reacts to things differently than most people would. Instead of contacting the nearest authority, Roddy arranges a welcoming committee of his own. He walks into a bank with about five guns and one equally lethal haircut, cocks his shotgun, and says what were probably the same words God spoke to initiate creation:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

I kind of want aliens to invade just so I can say this. The movie also contains another absolutely classic line (“brother…life’s a bitch. And she’s back in heat.”) but after that “bubblegum” line, the “bitch in heat,” line could’ve been delivered by Rebecca Rojimn naked in a hot tub full of warm jello and it really wouldn’t have mattered.

The second classic scene is the fight between Roddy Piper and a huge guy with two first names. Like all fights, it starts because the one guy won’t try on another guy’s sunglasses. It’s the grittiest, most realistic, most hard-to-watch fight I’ve ever seen in a movie to date. There’s no CGI or wires here. Are you kidding me? This movie stars the same guy who was in a boxing match against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Nope--this scene’s gimmick is that the punches are real. And the other gimmick is that it goes on for about 20 minutes. And yes, the fight has wrestling moves in it.



I’m not going to give this movie a score. Instead, I’ll end with some facts and let you score it yourself.

1.) Before this movie came out, Rowdy Roddy Piper was my favorite wrestler.
2.) After I saw this movie in seventh grade, I drew 55 full pages of comic about it in my Texas History notebook (which I still have and maybe someday I’ll link to).
3.) Whenever I turn on my computer it says the “bubblegum…” line, and when I turn it off it says the “bitch in heat…” line.

You know what? Fuck this, I am going to give They Live a score. One hundred million billion Jason heads.

Tonight’s movie/tomorrow’s review: Whoah, Scoob! It’s, like, Jeepers Creepers! Ruh Ro!!