THE HILLS HAVE EYES

Just because you call something something doesn’t mean that’s what it is. For example, whenever someone asks me what my MP3 player is I tell them it’s a time-traveling poon attractor, but no matter how much I insist that it is, it still hasn’t sent me to 1834 to tame the wild west with Halle Berry and the closest thing I could find to her lesbian twin sister.

Numerous Web sites call The Hills Have Eyes a "classic horror movie." They are 1/3 right. The Hills Have Eyes is, in fact, a movie. It’s as "classic" as those "Sweet Pickles" commercials that used to come on during the USA Cartoon Network and just about as scary. It receives praise as being one of the first movies to feature cannibals, but come on, dicks. Theodore Rex was the first movie to feature Whoop Goldberg in leather starring alongside a talking rubber six-foot dinosaur, and if you thing that’s a classic you better not be allowed to leave your house unless you’re under constant sniper surveillance.

THHE, as it will subsequently be referred to for simplicity’s sake, is the story of a group of, judging by their wardrobes, either child molestors or guys who were on there way to a party where everyone had to dress up like child molesters, whose RV crashes in the middle of a nuclear test zone or something and are attacked by a group of cannibals. I think. These guys were wearing some really tight shorts, and I’ll be honest…it’s hard trying to focus on baby-eating cannibals when you've got a dude trying to act in his sister's gym clothes. I’m not really here to talk about The Hills Have Eyes, anyway. I'm here to talk about this guy.



It's pretty easy to be the coolest guy in The Hills Have Eyes when you're the coolest guy ever. As far as I’m concerned, if your movie has this guy in it you’ve got an "all-star cast," end of story. Remember that movie "The Fifth Element?" Well, if there really is a Fifth Element, I imagine it probably looks a lot like this guy.

THHE has some pretty insane death scenes, I guess, but it’s just not scary. It really wants to be, and Wes Craven really wants me to think it is, and maybe at one time it was, but it just doesn’t hold up in today’s society, where I see guys scarier than the villians every day in my office’s break room. One and a half Jason heads, due to a half-a-head penalty for posing as a classic and for having the worst name for a movie since, now that I think about it, "Theodore Rex."

Tomorrow’s review is for a movie that so so so kicks ass, and, despite it’s title, is not about video game systems or South Central rappers.