BLOOD BEACH!

Look at that movie poster. How rad does that look? Well, don't get excited--never has a movie promised so much and delivered so little. Oh, it had it's beach swallowings, but they were some of the most lethargic beach swallowings I've ever seen. I'm telling you--I've seen people panic more when they've driven half-way to work and realized they left thier coffee on the roof of their car. I remember how, when I was a kid, I would go absolutely insane when my hamster bit me or I got a splinter from our wooden deck. I'm pretty sure I'd take those fits at least a tad bit further if my favorite vacation spot straight-up ate me. Not the guys in Blood Beach, however. These guys gave barely a struggle, as if they lived in a world where there everyday routines consisted of their morning coffee, a few minutes on the treadmill, and--eh--another beach-eating. Honestly--these people did not care that they were being eaten by a sand creature. I think I even saw one of the victims look at his watch and roll his eyes on the way down. Like he was thinking, "Great! Now I'll never get to the store on time!" The worst was when, honestly, as one of the characters was being swallowed, he simply looked at another character and said, "help me" in the same tone of voice I'd use to ask someone to help me open a pickle jar. You see that bitch in the movie poster? She's not screaming...she's yawning.



There's a HUGE difference between bad-awesome and just bad. The biggest offense of Blood Beach was that, at it's core, it simply wasn't scary. However, a low budget, bad creature effects, and terrible acting don't translate into a low Shocktober Spectacular rating--In fact, it's usually the opposite. However, Blood Beach was not only not scary--it was not fun.


To Blood Beachs' credit, I can say one thing about it that I've never been able to say about another movie in the entire Shocktober Spectacular: the acting was phenomenal. Burt "Paulie" Young and John Saxon were on time. They were so good it was almost as if someone forgot to tell them they were in a movie called about a vacation destination whose favorite food is LADIES!


Back to the great acting, though, let's be honest...no one rents a movie called Blood Beach for great acting. The rent it for blood beachings. It's like that move The Gift. It was a fantastic film all around, and Keanu Reeves gave what was inarguably the performance of his career. To bad the only thing you remember about The Gift is Katie Holmes' tits.

Blood Beach is The Gift without Katie Holmes' tits.

One Jason Head. Because if you call a movie "Blood Beach," it damn well better have some blood in it.