To Train Up A Child
TO TRAIN UP A CHILD: A BOOK REVIEW
Anyone who has ever listened to Whitney Houston or seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome knows that children are our future. Thats' why I consider it a kick to the world's futures groin that no one has written a book that will teach kids how to help Mel Gibson reclaim a post-apocalyptic wasteland from Tina Turner and a midget who rides around in a big retarded man's backpack. Instead, we get To Train Up A Child, which is undoubtedly the catalyst that will lead to the previously mentioned post-apocalyptic world.
Ever since the invention of children there have been books written to help parents raise them. Of these books, the most effective seem to be the ones written by child psychiatrists, counselors, or people who have never smeared animal feces on each other and made furniture out of the femurs of dead people. The authors of To Train Up A Child are disqualified on all three accounts. To Train Up A Child is ironic because it is a book on how to raise children written by people who probably shouldnt be allowed to live in a country that has children in it. In that respect, this book is a lot like that 300-pound fat guy at your gym with the tube socks and sweatband who tries to give you tips on how to do your crunches. And much like that fat guy, this book will make you want to put your foot in its ass.
To Train Up A Child was written by Michael and Debi Pearl. The book's forward tells us they have 6 children, but fails to mention whether any of them have lived past the age of 3. Since this book has no less than three chapters with the word "rod" in the title, plus one with the word "whip," I'm going to guess "none."
The majority of the advice in To Train Up A Child revolves around beating your kids, which is simultaneously the most rad and disturbing thing I think I've ever seen. The Pearls want you to beat your kids so badly that the very first words that appear in this book after the forward are SWITCH YOUR KIDS, in big bold letters. Now that's comedy. Thatd be like the first words in How To Win Friends and Influence People being KICK PEOPLE IN THE GROIN AND TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHERS TO BLOW YOU. Before we go any further, perhaps its necessary to mention that Michael and Debi are Amish and live in an Amish community. Im sure that explains a lot but, if youre like me, it probably doesn't.
When beating your children, To Train Up A Child recommends a belt, a ruler, a tree branch, or a shoe, and I swear to God I'm not making any of this up. That's one hell of a checklist. If you plan on following the advice found in this book, allow me to make some recommendations of my own to add to that list: a wicked set of venetian blinds (preferably closed), a passport, and a good alias. I usually use "Alistair Gillis."
In chapter 3, Michael and Debi take a break from telling you how to beat your children just long enough to explain how to beat your pets. I don't know how they know so much about beating animals, but my guess is because all six of the Pearl children had already been knocked unconscious by the time Michael and Debi had finished writing the forward. "If you kick [a cat] hard enough and often enough it will become sufficiently wary to obey while you remain on guard, but will still bolt through the door when it sees the opportunity," writes Michael. It was at this point in the book that I realized that the Pearl's solution on how to cure anything was to hit it. "If you want your child to fall into the New World Order and wait his turn in line for condoms, a government funded abortion, sexually transmitted disease treatment, psychological evaluation, and a mark on the forehead, then follow the popular guidelines in education, entertainment and discipline, but if you want a son or daughter of God, you will have to do it Gods way." And according to the sub-title on page 38, "God spanks his children."
The only thing I took from To Train Up A Child is this: if you ever see the Pearls anywhere doing anything but hitting something, its not the Pearls. If it's not their children or their pets they're pummeling, theyre rearing back and giving our very minds a big old bitch slap with more child-rearing advice like that in the above paragraph. Luckily I wont be quoting any more of it, because certain government regulations limit the amount of To Train Up A Child quotes that can appear on one Web page and Im afraid this one is pushing the limits as it is.
SMACK!
Anyone who has ever listened to Whitney Houston or seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome knows that children are our future. Thats' why I consider it a kick to the world's futures groin that no one has written a book that will teach kids how to help Mel Gibson reclaim a post-apocalyptic wasteland from Tina Turner and a midget who rides around in a big retarded man's backpack. Instead, we get To Train Up A Child, which is undoubtedly the catalyst that will lead to the previously mentioned post-apocalyptic world.
Ever since the invention of children there have been books written to help parents raise them. Of these books, the most effective seem to be the ones written by child psychiatrists, counselors, or people who have never smeared animal feces on each other and made furniture out of the femurs of dead people. The authors of To Train Up A Child are disqualified on all three accounts. To Train Up A Child is ironic because it is a book on how to raise children written by people who probably shouldnt be allowed to live in a country that has children in it. In that respect, this book is a lot like that 300-pound fat guy at your gym with the tube socks and sweatband who tries to give you tips on how to do your crunches. And much like that fat guy, this book will make you want to put your foot in its ass.
To Train Up A Child was written by Michael and Debi Pearl. The book's forward tells us they have 6 children, but fails to mention whether any of them have lived past the age of 3. Since this book has no less than three chapters with the word "rod" in the title, plus one with the word "whip," I'm going to guess "none."
The majority of the advice in To Train Up A Child revolves around beating your kids, which is simultaneously the most rad and disturbing thing I think I've ever seen. The Pearls want you to beat your kids so badly that the very first words that appear in this book after the forward are SWITCH YOUR KIDS, in big bold letters. Now that's comedy. Thatd be like the first words in How To Win Friends and Influence People being KICK PEOPLE IN THE GROIN AND TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHERS TO BLOW YOU. Before we go any further, perhaps its necessary to mention that Michael and Debi are Amish and live in an Amish community. Im sure that explains a lot but, if youre like me, it probably doesn't.
When beating your children, To Train Up A Child recommends a belt, a ruler, a tree branch, or a shoe, and I swear to God I'm not making any of this up. That's one hell of a checklist. If you plan on following the advice found in this book, allow me to make some recommendations of my own to add to that list: a wicked set of venetian blinds (preferably closed), a passport, and a good alias. I usually use "Alistair Gillis."
In chapter 3, Michael and Debi take a break from telling you how to beat your children just long enough to explain how to beat your pets. I don't know how they know so much about beating animals, but my guess is because all six of the Pearl children had already been knocked unconscious by the time Michael and Debi had finished writing the forward. "If you kick [a cat] hard enough and often enough it will become sufficiently wary to obey while you remain on guard, but will still bolt through the door when it sees the opportunity," writes Michael. It was at this point in the book that I realized that the Pearl's solution on how to cure anything was to hit it. "If you want your child to fall into the New World Order and wait his turn in line for condoms, a government funded abortion, sexually transmitted disease treatment, psychological evaluation, and a mark on the forehead, then follow the popular guidelines in education, entertainment and discipline, but if you want a son or daughter of God, you will have to do it Gods way." And according to the sub-title on page 38, "God spanks his children."
The only thing I took from To Train Up A Child is this: if you ever see the Pearls anywhere doing anything but hitting something, its not the Pearls. If it's not their children or their pets they're pummeling, theyre rearing back and giving our very minds a big old bitch slap with more child-rearing advice like that in the above paragraph. Luckily I wont be quoting any more of it, because certain government regulations limit the amount of To Train Up A Child quotes that can appear on one Web page and Im afraid this one is pushing the limits as it is.
SMACK!
posted by Mike at
Thursday, June 15, 2006
11 Comments:
ROTFLOLOL!
You nailed it!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I appologize for leaving a comment and then deleting it. The comment I left wouldn't have done anyone any good, I don't think. But, we do see this differently and reading what you've said on this book review has made me consider things that will help me on my blog. So...thanks:-)
Actually they have FIVE grown children, not 6. Their children are all married, happy and say their parents did a wonderful job raising them, and each one has children and are raising their children the same way. You can read more abou their children and grandchildren at www.nogreaterjoy.org
This is one of the best things I've seen written on these idiots. I believe there is a special place in hell for people who spew this type of claptrap.
They are not Amish, btw, altho it's easy to assume that by the book's cover.
First, I would like to say that your despicably,ignorant,exagerated interpretation of this book comes from you not being a disciple of Jesus Christ:I do understand that. Second,they do not mean beating your children senseless and to a bloody,mangled,unconscious pulp,but to simply spank them to what you deem as appropriate for the age of the child.I and my siblings were spanked when younger when we were disobedient of disrespectful in anyway.I love my parents immensely,and my siblings do not express regret or bitterness for having been spanked as children.Also,the most respectful and honorable people I know were spanked as a child,and I believe are the way they are because of that.When you have children,you may change your mind about spanking.They need it.I am convinced that no child will ever become respectful and virtuous.Some children need to be spanked more often than others according to their wills and dispostitions.Some may only need it once maybe twice for them to become obedient,trusting,and loving.Now of course I know you will laugh at this,and probably become enraged at it,but I had to voice my opinion.And as to the instruments they suggest to use, I agree with all except the shoe,which is new to me and seems a bit eccentric.There is nothing wrong with them if they do not cause physical or emotional damage.The do not tell you to actually beat(meaning abuse)the child,but just to cause enough pain to get the message through(which isn't much with children).Since people usually respond through physical pain(which is temporary),I agree with this.Which may seem radical since I am only 18.
"Second,they do not mean beating your children senseless and to a bloody,mangled,unconscious pulp"
Then it makes me wonder why not one but two children have died because of this book. If someone were to treat their dog like this they would be arrested for animal abuse... why is it okay to do to children? Why is it okay for them to live in fear? If you have done your teaching right they would do whats right because they know its what is right not out of fear. I'm sure Pearl's children seem like stand up people on the outside, but I cant imagine the emotional damage that they are hiding out of fear. I fear for people who have had to experience the Pearl's teachings, I fear for parents to practice it, and most of all I fear for the Pearls' soul.
"First, I would like to say that your despicably,ignorant,exagerated interpretation of this book comes from you not being a disciple of Jesus Christ"
Actually, the Pearls most VOCAL critics ARE Christians who are very, very concerned about not only how their teachings lead to child abuse, but also how they misuse Scripture and promote unorthodox doctrine.
For example:
(And your comment makes me wonder about the verse, "And they shall know you are Christians by your love. . .")
http://www.thatmom.com/2011/10/01/yet-another-child-has-died-parents-were-followers-of-the-pearls/
http://www.tulipgirl.com/index.php/2011/10/on-the-pearls-and-parenting-once-again/
http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/
http://scitascienda.com/2011/06/25/review-of-no-greater-joy-child-training-doctrine/
http://allthings2all.blogspot.com/2005/07/review-to-train-up-child-by-michael.html
I'm running a campaign which is gathering momentum to ask Amazon not to stock this book and other like it which advocate the physical abuse of children, on the grounds that it contravenes their content policy - which states that they do not stock offensive material.
Please get involved.
Read more:
http://mamamule.blogspot.com/2011/08/amazon-we-find-child-abuse-offensive.html
Sign the petition:
http://www.change.org/petitions/amazon-refuse-to-carry-books-which-advocate-the-physical-abuse-of-children
Follow on facebook:
www.facebook.com/themulesmouth
Thanks - together we can bring these books under the international spotlight.
x
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