TROLL was on Cable. So I Watched it. I'm Sick.

[Sorry for the delay—I’ve been out sick. Plus, I’ve got the most unbelievable Full Metal Jacket story to share, but you’re gonna have to call me to hear it. Shocktober Spectacular aficionados, I’ll make it up to you this weekend, I promise—ed.]

Some people are terrified of midgets, which is understandable—they have really creepy hands. I was going to review Marley’s Revenge yesterday, but I honestly didn’t know enough synonyms for “it was like a groin kick to my eyes” to complete the review, so I thought maybe I’d watch Troll to help me think of some. And oh boy did I!

It’s not hard to usurp Troll in the comfort of your own home. You can re-make it for more money then they spent on the original if you simply buy a flashlight and re-enact it on your wall with shadow puppets. If you can change the pitch of your voice when alternating between the male and female characters, you’ll have better acting. And if you watch yourself do it, you’ll have more of a fan base. Even better…if any of your friends walk in on you while you’re doing all this, they won’t laugh at you as much as they would’ve if they would’ve walked in on you watching Troll. Editor’s note: if you’re watching Troll, reading this review, or any combination there of, you probably don’t have that many friends.

I’m not saying Troll is terrible, but the only reason I’m not saying that is because you can pretty much come to that conclusion on your own after reading the first two paragraphs. What I am saying is that Troll is the worst kind of bad—the type of bad that’s not even fun. The perfect illustration of the difference: last year, when I saw the first ménage a tois I’ve ever seen between one boy and two Killer Klowns, I said, “What the fuck am I watching?!!” But when I was watching Troll, it was just, “What the fuck am I watching?”

Troll is about a troll who takes over a previously troll-less apartment complex and turns everyone in it into trolls. Tenants in this “most celebrity loaded apartment complex since the one in Friends” apartment complex include Sonny Bono, June “fucking” Cleaver, and Julia-Loius Dreyfuss, in what I call her “Feeding.” The best thing about this movie is Dreyfuss, rising above her material. The worst thing about this movie is everything else, aside from two points which I will touch on now.

The main character’s name is “Harry Potter.” It was so awesome to watch a movie with “Harry Potter” in it and not have to keep thinking about how hot Hermione is going to be in five years. But let’s not let that distract from how nuts it is that this came out in ’86. Everyone who knows me knows how Zach Braff stole Garden State from me, which gives me and Troll a certain, special, genital fondling kinship.

Nobody can beat up the troll. Anyone who’s ever watched WWF and tried to do the moves on their friends has found out that they can’t, because their friends weigh too much. If the recipient of these moves is three feet tall, however, all bets are off. In Troll, seven people are overtaken by the troll, and only one of them is under 30. I watched this movie for an hour and a half, and I never once saw the troll get Tombstone Piledriven, which I do to the majority of people I see who are under 4 feet anyway, regardless of if they're trolls who are trying to kill me or not. It's a 3-foot troll, people. Anyone--even Daniel Larusso--could've kicked it's ass in any number of ways. Much to my dismay, the only move anyone used against him was to raise their hands and say "Nooooooooooo!!!!" Regarding it's effectiveness, well, they were all trolls seconds later.

In summary, Troll is probably the lowest-budget movie to happen since the Empire Strikes Back flip book I made in the back row during Social Studies in 4th grade, but it’s a lot less entertaining. For those of you keeping score, this year’s Shocktober Spectacular is 0 for two. The Shocktober Spectacular hates it when it’s 0 for two. If anyone is reading this, and I know they aren’t, but company policy requires me to ask anyway, someone PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT A RECOMMEND A “GOOD” BAD HORROR MOVIE!!!!

1 Jason head. Is. Your. Rating.