The Top Ten Worst He-Man Names Ever

The He-Man toys of the ‘80s had the tagline of being “The Masters of the Universe.” Now that I’m older, I’m thinking about their names and hoping a group of our stray astronauts never happens to stumble upon the universe they were the master of. If they did, I'm pretty sure the inhabitants of Eternia, and not our astronauts, would soon be the ones "boldly going where no man has gone before."

Mattel was somehow able to avoid my, and the FBI’s, scrutiny with their action figure names for years, but, and this is a true story, I literally woke up this morning and said to myself, while still in bed, “I should write an article about the top 10 worst He-Man names today.” Point being, that shit will sneak up on you.

The ten worst He-Man figure names are, in order from least likely to traumatize a kid to most:

Ninjor
The inhabitants of Eternia had this terrible habit of naming themselves after what they were. Beast Man was a beast man, Roboto was a robot, and Ninjor was, of course, a ninja. The problem with him specifically is that ninjas are supposed to be shrouded in secrecy, and you can’t go around fooling anybody when your name is “Ninjor.” John Wilkes Booth didn’t introduce himself as “President Shootor.” That’s why he accomplished his crime. I watched He-Man for years, and Ninjor never successfully killed anyone. People would’ve been less prepared to block a bostaff to the head or a katana to the groin if the guy they were talking to wasn’t named “Ninjor."


He-Man
Not since WWF’s Brutus Beefcake has there been a more egotistical name as the one owned by Eternia’s hero himself. Despite the fact that he never wore pants, He-Man wanted to make absolutely sure that you understood that no one out there has more testosterone than he did. I think it’d be a lot easier to just scratch your balls a lot and fart than to name yourself after your own gender. Twice.


Man-E-Faces

Man-E-Faces had, well, many faces. This unfortunately earned him the name of a McDonalds character. Man-E-Faces was this guy in a huge purple “special” safety helmet who would either have the face of a monster, a robot, or a human, depending on his mood. The funny thing was, the box described Man-E-Faces as Eternia’s “Master of Disguise,” but when he changed faces, the only thing about him that changed was his face. Not his clothes, size, height, odor, and so on. How many times could this trick have worked? Certainly not enough to make him a “Master of Disguise.” I’m not saying the people of Eternia are mentally handicapped, I’m just saying that if I’m having a conversation with my friend Dennis, and for whatever reason he put on a lizard mask in the middle of it, I’d know that I was still talking to Dennis.



Buzz Off
Buzz Off was a human bee whose name sucked because it was Buzz Off. Whenever someone called your name, you didn’t know if they wanted to see you or were telling you to fuck off.



Moss Man
Sort of along the same lines as Ninjor, there’s really no need to restate the obvious. Moss Man was a man made of moss, so his name was “Moss Man.” I think that’s hilarious, but I guess it’s really no big deal if you live in the redundancy capital of the galaxy. I’m just glad someone had enough good sense to name me “Mike” and not “Skin Guy.”


Fisto
“Fisto” is not the name of a hero. It’s the name that gets the most laughs when you and your friends sit around seeing who can think of the funniest porn name. Imagine going though life with a name that’s also an insult. I imagine Dick Butkus had the same problem.


Webstor
Webstor was a villain. So was Darth Maul. Darth Maul had a wicked name. Face paint, horns, all-black clothes, and double-bladed lightsaber nonwithstanding, I would not be too excited about fighting a guy named Darth Maul. I can’t say the same about a guy named after a 40 year old black man/boy ‘80s child star who called the man he lived with “mam.”


Clawful
HA HA HA! Oh….I get it. It’s a play off the word “awful.” The M.U.S.C.L.E. line did a similar move with their villain, “Terry-Bull.” The difference was that Terry-Bull was a tough-as nails champion wrestler. Clawful was a human lobster. Terry-bull’s special power was that he could put you in the figure four and make you tap out. Clawful’s special power is that he tastes great in melted butter.


Stinkor
We’ve already established that He-Man characters are either named after what they are or their most defining trait. This can be cool if you destroy things (Destructor), but it’s not so good if your contribution to the fight is that you "offend." Plus, you know how some people are really insecure about a flaw they may have, and they do their best to cover it up and hope people won't notice? You can untuck your shirt and wear vertical stripes all you want, people are gonna notice your spare tire if your name is “Tublard McFatty.” And on a totally inappropriate yet obvious sidenote, “Stinkor” is probably the absolute worst name to yell during sex. But if you ever find yourself having sex with Stinkor, or even the action figure based on his likeness, what you're yelling while doing it is probably the least of your worries.

Ram-Man
I have nothing at all against homosexuals, and I certainly have nothing against porn, but “Ram-Man” is a special He-Man character indeed. “Special” because he’s the second character on this list to wear a “special” “protective” helmet, and like the thirteenth to have a enviable porn name, gay or otherwise. You know how, according to those plaques sold at kiyosks you sometimes see in the mall, peoples' names mean something? Well, it’s a pretty safe assumption that the only meaning one can derive from "Ram Man" name is, “I will put my balls in you.”


Tounge Lashor
That’s it. I refuse to accept an action figure line where one of the character’s names is Tounge Lashor. Mattel was teetering on the edge with this one. If nobody’s going to alert the authorities when they name one of their toys “Tounge Lashor,” what’s stopping them from releasing one named “Fondlor” or “Plen-T-Fingers?” In the words of Jackie Chan in Rush Hour…”absorutery nuhsing.”