Homemade Fireworks Cuts The Russian

There is no movie more ‘80s than Rocky IV. The opening scene of the U.S. boxing glove and the Russian boxing glove hitting head-on and sparks flying everywhere says it all. One: intros this gay are usually reserved only for ‘80s movies, and two: this is probably the only movie in existence that could’ve only been made in the ‘80s. You won’t be in the movie theatre watching a jacked up white man in American flag pants beat the shit out of a porn-mustached Iraqi boxer, his turban-wearing trainer, and veil-wearing wife in a stadium full of Iraqis after running through the desert and bench pressing camels anytime soon, even though you totally wish you could. Rocky IV, however, was fortunate enough to beat the pussification of the American media by about 10 years, giving us the most politically incorrect and ultimately rad movie of all-time.

Yeah, Rocky beats up a Russian. We all know that. Here’s a look at some of the less noticable things that are unfortunately overlooked but contribute equally to Rocky IV's greatness.

The singing robot
When you’re watching Rocky III, you’re thinking “This is the Goddamned 80est movie ever.” It had Hulk Hogan, Mr. T., pinball, I even thought I saw The Muppet Show in there. Stallone instantly usurped his predecessor by tossing the “fuck off, Reds” theme on Rocky IV right off the bat. Then he threw in an unprecedented two musical montages. When you thought the laws of the cosmos made it impossible to make anything more ‘80s, Stallone went absolutely batshit and threw in a singing robot. There is no question in my mind that the ending was originally supposed to be John Cryer breakdancing on a Q*Bert machine.

There’s a scene in the movie where the seductively female-voiced robot interrupts Rocky’s dinner to tell Rocky how cute it thinks Pauly is, which proves suspicions I originally formed way back in Rocky II. Pauly will stick his penis in anything.

Apollo Creed’s Wardrobe
Until I saw this movie, I thought the basis for judging how good a fighter someone was was how many articles of clothing that person had with the American Flag on it. I can’t believe I was so blind to not notice that an American Flag top hat is only going to make people want to beat you up more. I know this girl who hikes her pants up to her breasts. Of course my friends and I make fun of her liberally, but that’s where it ends. That damn top hat got Apollo killed.



James Brown’s Face
I honestly stayed around for the credits because I had to know whether or not James Brown was played by a catcher’s mitt. His face honestly looked like a cowboy boot that had been left out in the yard all summer. No wonder they call this guy the godfather of soul…he looks like he’s old enough to be the father of everybody. But he lives in America, and he feels good about it.

2000 PSI
According to Drago’s awesomely stereotyped Russian trainer, Drago’s punches max out at 2000 pounds of pressure per square inch. For reference purposes, Mike Tyson was throwing punches at 750 psi in his prime. I imagine 2000 psi would be like getting hit by an SUV full of fat people. He manages to hit Rocky in the head about 50 times and Rocky still survives 15 rounds.

And finally, I’ve saved the best for last.

Duke
You know how Boba Fett was only in the Star Wars movies for a total of five minutes, but now he somehow became this iconic figure with a huge cult following. That’s what Duke is to me. In fact, all of that introductory bullshit was just so I could write about “the black Mickey.” I wasn't even paying attention to what I was typing until now.

Duke (brilliantly played by Tony Burton) was Apollo’s trainer. He joined Rocky’s camp when Apollo died because Apollo really didn’t need a trainer any more. When Rocky finally makes Drago bleed, Duke jumps up and down and yells, "he's cut, he's cut!,” seizureing his way into catchphrase history. Back in Wyoming, whenever one of my friends did anything that was seemingly impossible, we “cut the Russian.” Usage example: “You got an ‘A’ on that physics test?!” “Yep. I cut the Russian.”

I think the entire “Rocky” character was just a front. These movies were made to tell Duke’s story.

So there you have it. What better way to end this review than with Rocky’s own finale words: “In here there were two guys killing each other but I guess thats better than fifty million. What I am trying to say if if I can change and if you can change, everybody can change". I have no idea what that means, but it offered an inspirational end to the most ‘80s movie of all time, and almost made me forget that I just watched a two-hour political cold war allegory that centered around a retarded boxer from South Philly.

Oh yeah. Don’t think I didn’t notice that there are two songs on Rocky IV's soundtrack about flaming hearts. Because there are.