The Whackest '80s Rap Lyrics Ever

Ahh...the '80s. Apparently this was "the day" rappers keep telling us to remember back in. Many purists say hip-hop's golden age was also it's glory days, but this article says it wasn't. Sure, lyrics are a lot more violent nowadays, but at least when Eminiem tells us his headless mother is in his trunk, he lets us know exactly how many times he stabbed her and then raped her eyesockets before he put her there. All '80s rap told me was that Salt N'Pepa's here, and they're in effect. In no particular order, here are more of the worst rap lyrics NOT said by Dan Akroyd and Tom Hanks during the end credits of "Dragnet."


"Basketball"
- Kurtis Blow

"Basketball is my favorite sport
I like the way they dribble up and down the court
Just like I'm the King on the microphone so is Dr. J and Moses Malone
I like Slam dunks take me to the hoop
My favorite play is the alley oop
I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go,
Cause it's Basketball, uh, Mister Kurtis Blow"

Kurtis Blow really likes basketball, according to the recording studio janitor's 8-year-old retarded nephew who wrote these lyrics three minutes before the recording session. Does he like it in a boat? Does he like it in a moat? Does he like it in a can? Does he like it Sam I Am? I like slam dunks take me to the hoop...my favorite play is the alley oop? Jesus. Last night's Subway sandwhich order was a better rap than that.



"Dopeman"
- Ice Cube

"If you smoke cane you a stupid mother fucker.
Known around the hood as the schoolyard grucker."

Trust me...the last thing I want to do is call AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted a liar. However, I'm willing to bet that NO ONE in Ice Cube's hood is calling the crackheads "schoolyard gruckers." You know why? BECAUSE THERE'S SO SUCH GODDAMNED WORD. Unless "grucker" is ebonics for "mountebank," I'm not buying it. Sources close to ebonics say it isn't. My rewrite of the line:

"If you smoke cane you a stupid mother fucker.
Fishin' for the blow just like Darius Rucker."

Is genius. Pure genius, and it took me less than a minute to think of. Since I really liked Three Kings, I'm not even going to point out to Ice Cube that I'm white. And from Wyoming.


"The Fuck Shop”
- Too Live Crew

“The Fuck Shop…it’s where it’s at.
The Fuck Shop…the place to splat!”

The place to splat. I see. Don’t get me wrong—this line is shittier than a Taco Bell bathroom, but what bothers me most is the lethargy with which it was written. Let’s be honest—the “at” sound isn’t exactly the hardest sound to find a rhyme for. The Fuck Shop could’ve just as easily have been "Where I chase the cat,” “Where I fill my Jimmy Hat,” or “The place to play Combat.” But the place to splat? That’s awful. Unless they actually meant to say that The Fuck Shop is the happening place to make fart noises. Then I totally apologize.


“The Freaks Come Out At Night”
-Whodini

“Hut one! Hut two! Hut hut hut!”

Nobody will ever really know why Whodini decided to call football plays in the middle of their rap. I think it’s one of those things that mankind isn’t supposed to understand, like Jesus or The Next Karate Kid. What cracks me up is that Whodini’s not just calling for a snap here. Hut one? Hut two? Whodini’s calling plays. Are they going deep? Are they taking it up the middle? For whatever reason, they don’t want you to know. They want to keep you guessing. I guess that’s why they call themselves “Whodini.”