Girls and...Galaga?
Over the years, hundreds of hobbies have been created specifically to keep girls away from men’s genitals. I have been unfortunate enough to partake in every one of them. The fact that I can tell you the first and last names of all the Cobra Kais and the guys who played them isn’t going to make anyone’s pants spontaneously combust, and I’m never ever ever going to get any girls’ phone numbers because I can get the high score on Galaga.
Or am I?
The more I thought about it, the more it intrigued me. "Is it possible to pick up a girl using nothing but video games?" Most experts say "no." However, after mulling it over and thinking it through, I arrived at a much different conclusion: oh hell fucking no. At that moment, it went from a question that needed to be answered to a challenge that was about to get its ass Tombstone Piledriven.
The laws of nature say that girls usually don’t go for gamers...I decided it was my duty to change that. I developed a plan, and to ensure that it was my video game skills and nothing else that were doing the picking up, I designed three rules:
ONE: I would take $10 worth of quarters, find a video game somewhere, and play it until either the quarters ran out or a girl talked to me.
TWO: I was not allowed to make contact with anyone until they made contact with me first.
THREE: If someone did approach me, the first couple of things I said had to be video game related.
There it is. Basecamp. The original plan was to post up at the Galaga cocktail table machine at Charlotte's all-'80s club at 11:00 p.m. with $10 in quarters and a can of Jolt Cola. Since I got there at 12:15 and they were sold out of Jolt, it became $5 of quarters and a ‘fucking’ Mickey’s Big Mouth.
As you can (sort of) tell by this picture, The Breakfast Club was not what Maverick would call a "target rich environment." The odds were stacked against me. I put in my first quarter and started to play.
Of course, a guy sitting alone in a corner by himself with a camera and huge stack of quarters on the Galaga machine is going to get some comments from people walking by. About 15 minutes into it, people had to come over and get their 2 cents in.
CONVERSATION #1: On their way upstairs, two girls stopped and watched me play.
GIRL #1: Hey, it’s that game. Gal…axian?
ME: Yeah. Do you play much?
GIRL #1: I used to, forever ago.
ME: You see that high score? That’s totally me. I’m not bragging or anything. I’m only telling you that because I know girls go for guys who get high scores on video games, right?
GIRLS: Ha ha ha.
(they leave)
CONVERSATION #2: About 10 minutes later the owner of the bar walked by.
OWNER: You know, people are going to think you’re a nerd if you play that game all night.
ME: Maybe you can tell me what’s nerdy about a hundred and twenty five thousand on Galaga.
OWNER: Damn.
ME: Exactly…
(After he left…)
…bitch.
CONVERSATION #3: About a game and a half after that I thought I had stumbled onto the set of Lethal Weapon 5 when the most hilariously mismatched couple, this hot-as-hell black girl and this stereotypical-in-every-way-white redneck stopped by.
GIRL: Oh shit! It’s that game…uh…Galaxia.
GUY: Damn! I used to play that shit all the time, yo!
ME: You see that high score? That’s all me, but I didn’t want to say that too loud in front of your girlfriend because girls totally go for guys who get high scores on video games.
GUY: I hear you, dog. I hear you.
GIRL: Look! It’s Galaxia!
And that was it. Ten more minutes passed. Then twenty. Then thirty. And much to my surprise, not one girl had hopped up on the Galaga machine and seductively began removing their clothes to, we'll say, "We are the World" like I totally thought they would.
The stack of quarters was getting smaller. The patrons were getting sparcer. The clock was ticking, and another Mickey’s Big Mouth had joined the table.
1:30…what Campbell Scott refers to as "winning time." I was seconds away from dismissing video game skills as a viable way of picking up girls when the first two girls from earlier made a return appearance.
Girls: You’re still playing this?
Me: Yes I am. You guys wanna get in here? I’ve got plenty of quarters.
Of course, the obvious answer was:
And there you have it. At the buzzer. For the next 30 minutes we talked. We laughed. We drank. And my pickup line was…Galaga. Nothing more. Nothing less. This girl and her friend weren’t that bad at Galaga, and they were even kind enough to get in this picture.
The ice was totally broken. What do I chalk it up to? My striking good looks? The "gun show?" Nope. It was all this:
Or am I?
The more I thought about it, the more it intrigued me. "Is it possible to pick up a girl using nothing but video games?" Most experts say "no." However, after mulling it over and thinking it through, I arrived at a much different conclusion: oh hell fucking no. At that moment, it went from a question that needed to be answered to a challenge that was about to get its ass Tombstone Piledriven.
The laws of nature say that girls usually don’t go for gamers...I decided it was my duty to change that. I developed a plan, and to ensure that it was my video game skills and nothing else that were doing the picking up, I designed three rules:
ONE: I would take $10 worth of quarters, find a video game somewhere, and play it until either the quarters ran out or a girl talked to me.
TWO: I was not allowed to make contact with anyone until they made contact with me first.
THREE: If someone did approach me, the first couple of things I said had to be video game related.
There it is. Basecamp. The original plan was to post up at the Galaga cocktail table machine at Charlotte's all-'80s club at 11:00 p.m. with $10 in quarters and a can of Jolt Cola. Since I got there at 12:15 and they were sold out of Jolt, it became $5 of quarters and a ‘fucking’ Mickey’s Big Mouth.
As you can (sort of) tell by this picture, The Breakfast Club was not what Maverick would call a "target rich environment." The odds were stacked against me. I put in my first quarter and started to play.
Of course, a guy sitting alone in a corner by himself with a camera and huge stack of quarters on the Galaga machine is going to get some comments from people walking by. About 15 minutes into it, people had to come over and get their 2 cents in.
CONVERSATION #1: On their way upstairs, two girls stopped and watched me play.
GIRL #1: Hey, it’s that game. Gal…axian?
ME: Yeah. Do you play much?
GIRL #1: I used to, forever ago.
ME: You see that high score? That’s totally me. I’m not bragging or anything. I’m only telling you that because I know girls go for guys who get high scores on video games, right?
GIRLS: Ha ha ha.
(they leave)
CONVERSATION #2: About 10 minutes later the owner of the bar walked by.
OWNER: You know, people are going to think you’re a nerd if you play that game all night.
ME: Maybe you can tell me what’s nerdy about a hundred and twenty five thousand on Galaga.
OWNER: Damn.
ME: Exactly…
(After he left…)
…bitch.
CONVERSATION #3: About a game and a half after that I thought I had stumbled onto the set of Lethal Weapon 5 when the most hilariously mismatched couple, this hot-as-hell black girl and this stereotypical-in-every-way-white redneck stopped by.
GIRL: Oh shit! It’s that game…uh…Galaxia.
GUY: Damn! I used to play that shit all the time, yo!
ME: You see that high score? That’s all me, but I didn’t want to say that too loud in front of your girlfriend because girls totally go for guys who get high scores on video games.
GUY: I hear you, dog. I hear you.
GIRL: Look! It’s Galaxia!
And that was it. Ten more minutes passed. Then twenty. Then thirty. And much to my surprise, not one girl had hopped up on the Galaga machine and seductively began removing their clothes to, we'll say, "We are the World" like I totally thought they would.
The stack of quarters was getting smaller. The patrons were getting sparcer. The clock was ticking, and another Mickey’s Big Mouth had joined the table.
1:30…what Campbell Scott refers to as "winning time." I was seconds away from dismissing video game skills as a viable way of picking up girls when the first two girls from earlier made a return appearance.
Girls: You’re still playing this?
Me: Yes I am. You guys wanna get in here? I’ve got plenty of quarters.
Of course, the obvious answer was:
And there you have it. At the buzzer. For the next 30 minutes we talked. We laughed. We drank. And my pickup line was…Galaga. Nothing more. Nothing less. This girl and her friend weren’t that bad at Galaga, and they were even kind enough to get in this picture.
The ice was totally broken. What do I chalk it up to? My striking good looks? The "gun show?" Nope. It was all this:
posted by Mike at
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
1 Comments:
Danm...I thought it was a lost cause, but you've given me hope... I guess I shouldnt have gotten the tattoo's that say cut here on my wrists after all... GAMERS UNITE!
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