Victory Tastes Like Pabst

My friend Will has a huge problem with Cyclops from the X-Men, more specifically, how he's always getting his ass kicked. The logic behind his theory is that if you're an X-Man, you fight crime. That's what you do. Think about your job. You come home tired, right? You may not be all about hitting the gym or going for a jog, and I'll buy that. Cyclops, on the other hand, has no board meetings, no TPS reports to forget to put cover sheets on, no videos of fat people falling down to forward to the other X-Men. Cyclops has no excuse to not spend every minute of his day karateing a punching bag shaped like crime, and when he's not doing that he should be doing something else...we'll say push-ups. Despite all this training, Cyclops is ALWAYS getting his ass kicked, even by his girlfriend. And when he's not doing that, he's getting it kicked by an evil girl X-man disguised as his girlfriend. Fuck.

All that to say I'm the exact same way. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm always broke. As you can see, I really have no choice but to spend every moment of my life playing video games, and I do. But for some reason, despite a lifetime of preparation, I have NEVER beat my friend Kevin at our traditional pre-night-out game of Madden '97. Never. Until now. Bitch.



Homemade Fireworks field reporter me gloats over his first Madden victory in three years. Immedatley after the win he yanked the game out of the Sega, signed it, and handed it to his publicisit in the stands.




If the look on the K-Man's face appears to be that of a man who's just been forced to assume the position of obedience and ask for another and another and another, it's because that's exactly what just happened.