Hard Drive Down

And it went down like the Hindenberg. I came home yesterday to find my computer literally smoking. Everything on it is gone. The greatest collection of '80s music ever Molly-Ringwald-in-Breakfast-Club danced to--gone. Over three hundred old school arcade, Nintendo, and Intellivision ROMs--gone. My Bea Auther photo collection. Gone.

Luckily, Dell customer support is on hand 24 hours a day. Unluckily, the support turned out to be the same support I gave my friends when they’d call me because their Atari wouldn't work. Anyone who’s ever had a Nintendo knows the classic universal fix I’m talking about…check out how Dell suggested I fix my hard drive in this actual conversation with their customer service guy, who was either "Apu" from The Simpsons or the guy who does the voice for Apu.

Dell Guy: Turn off your computer. You can do this by pressing the power button on the tower.

Me: Done.

Dell Guy: Now unplug your computer by removing the plug from the wall socket.

Me: Alright.

Dell Guy: Now open up your computer. Do you know how to open your computer?

Me: Yeah.

Dell Guy: Now locate the hard drive.

[So I find it and it’s the most technological looking thing I’ve ever seen. It’s surrounded by wires and cables and computer chips and I’m thinking "Not even Tron could figure this thing out, and that guy lives in one of these."]

Dell Guy: Now locate the (some fancy name for a cable). It’s the ribbon-like cable leading from the hard drive to the mother board.

Me: Got it.

Dell: Now dislodge the cable and the corresponding something something cable from the hard drive.

Me: Done.

[At this point I’m excited because I’ve got my hands in the computer "dislodging" shit like a S.W.A.T. team guy and I feel like the shit I’m about to do is going to be seriously high-tech. Until the guy says…]

Dell Guy: Now blow on the connectors to remove any dust, and re-fasten both cables.

Me: What was that?

Dell Guy: Blow on the connectors to remove any dust, and re-fasten both cables.

Me: Blow on them to remove dust?! That’s it?! Dude, don’t you think I should first blow on my hard drive to remove fire?! Did I mention my hard drive is smoking right now?

Dell Guy: Yes sir. Three times.

So that’s that. Goodbye, old friend. We’ve wasted many a year together.

What this means for Homemade Fireworks fans is that you can expect a shitload of pictureless articles. Or articles featuring whatever random pictures I have on CD, like this one of me getting my degree in "badass."