Whoremonger-iffic!

While we here at Homemade Fireworks proudly and shamelessly make fun of a lot of things, you’ll never catch us making fun of God. That’s a no-brainer. The guy created nature’s most destructive forces, including dinosaurs, ninjas, and the Predator. If he can do that, he’d have no problem replacing my toilet water with cobras or turning my PSII into a PSI, and I can’t have that. Yep−the Father, the Son, and even the Holy Ghost are all completely off-limits here. That’s why it was so hard for me to think only holy thoughts when some guy handed me this brochure last weekend. Check it out.



So what does the bible say about sex before marriage? Apparently not enough, which is why I have no idea what the answer is. You know how they have Christian rap groups, skateboard teams, rockers, and other things that are less cool versions of cool things to try to make The Bible more inviting to a younger, hipper audience? You’d get the job done a lot better and save a lot of D.C. Talk t-shirt wearers a lot of ass beatings by just adding more sex. What's the one thing you remember about that movie The Gift? Katie Holmes' breasts. The Gift was an alright thriller and Keanu Reeves even gave the performance of a lifetime, but the only reason any of us sat through it was to see Katie Holmes tits.

Here’s some of the highlights:




I hate when people blame the media for anything. Why is a TV show using its reach to glorify sex any more wrong than a book that uses its reach to vilifiy it? Beacuase it was written by God? Some people say the same about "Star Wars."

Plus, by the time someone is a teenager they’re not trained by the media that they like sex, they’re trained by hormones that they like sex.




”Whoremongering” is pretty much the sweetest word I’ve ever heard. It makes me think of that guy Swearingen from Deadwood. That’d be such a rad nickname for a pimp whose gimmick is that he dresses up like a dictator. The Whoremonger. The brochure got big ups for using this word in a sentence, but instantly lost them when it started quoting Bible verses to prove points. I’m not knocking Christians or their beliefs, just their shitty double standards. Why do people who themselves use the word "faith" as a synonym for what they practice when they sit around quoting book passages to each other get pissy when the rest of the world doesn’t validate and accept these very same quotes as facts? Yeah, so according to you The Bible explicitly says I shouldn’t have sex, but I’m sure if I looked hard enough I could find at least three paragraphs in Karch Kiraly’s Championship Volleyball that prove why the Gamecock cheerleaders should be servicing me right now.



I can’t really argue with this, because I use this exact same argument every Saturday morning to explain to myself why I didn’t get any phone numbers the night before. The difference here is that I’m sure God means it when he says it. For me it’s just kind of a sorry excuse, like when I get scored on in Madden and I’m like, "Dude, my controller wasn’t plugged in all the way.”



You’re right, and I totally agree, but this doesn’t say anything about mocking his brochures, which I've decided to use this entire article to do.





Is it a waterslide? I hope it’s a waterslide! Weeeeeeee!





I’ve never been less compelled to click on a URL than I am with www.FEARGOD.us. Doesn’t exactly sell the site. You could’ve named your site www.CLICKHEREIFYOUSHOWERWITHYOURSISTER.com. and I’d have been more compelled to visit it.

You’re more than welcome to click on either of the above links at your own discretion. Only one of them will save you from the horrors of pre-marital sex, however, and I’m not going to tell you which one.