The Worst Picture Ever

There it is. The worst picture ever. That sound you’re hearing right now is your eyeballs frying.

I have no idea where, when, or why it was taken, but one thing is perfectly clear: this picture wants to see you dead. I understand that right now, everything in your head is screaming at you to look away, but I invite you to take a deep breath and just give this picture one good, long stare. I was reluctant to review this picture, knowing full well that nothing I write about it could ever be as funny as the picture itself. Plus, judging by the look on our hero’s face, it might even be socially unacceptable to make fun of it. It’s very possible that what we’re dealing with here are record-breaking levels of retardness.

Whatever. I’m still going to make fun of it. From left to right, check out

Buckwheat
He’s on the far left, wearing an “Othello” board as a t-shirt. We can’t see Buckwheat’s face, but I’m pretty sure that on it is the most genuine “what the fuck?!” look the world has ever experienced. His afro is twice the size of his head, but I’d bet that his hair was flat when he came in and it literally exploded out like that when that homosexual banana pranced out on stage. The last time I saw an afro like that was on the Black Panthers in that movie Dead Presidents. If this guy is a Black Panther, and this concert was held as a peaceful gesture to convince his people that Whitey is a-okay, I think it’s safe to say we failed miserably.

The bricks under the speaker
I was going to make fun of how ghetto the entire stage setup was, until I realized it had to be. No legitimate facility would ever sanction this event. Shit, I’m sure there are some P.O.W. camps that would even balk at this as a form of torture in favor of less-brutal testicle shockers.

Check out that stack of empty refridgerators in the background. This event is being held in a landfill.


Afro Businessman
There’s so much wrong with this picture that you really owe your brain an apology after looking at it. One of the most disturbing things in it is Afro Businessman. A living, breathing clusterfuck in and of himself, Afro Businessman dares to combine the professionalism of a coat and tie with the "I live with my parents" admission of an afro. A comically oversized afro. He’s also sporting a moustache on half the surface area of his face. Afro Businessman is suspiciously overdressed for the occasion, which means he’s either Yellow Jumpsuit’s manager or he hilariously flip-flopped the dress code lines on his Star Trek Singles event and Special Education Talent Show invitations. Either way he should be shot.

Look how, from left to right, the picture’s demographics go “adults, Afro Businessman, children.” Now, I’m not implying that at least three of those boys are going home with Afro Businessman in the back of a white van with or against their own will, but….yo, check this out. That’s exactly what I’m implying.


Dickhead
Let me try to put this in perspective for you. You know how you sometimes see a guy who accidentally put on mismatched socks, missed a belt loop, or skipped a button? You have a quick laugh at how ridiculous he looks and then forget about it. Now imagine you saw this guy. He was somehow able to—from head to toe—get everything as wrong as you could possibly get it. The saddest part is—he did it on purpose.

That haircut is what happens when a man sits down in the barber’s chair and says, “give me ‘the penis.’” The look on this guy’s face and the chambered Tiger Woods fist-pump is reflective of how happy he is with the success of said haircut. Butterfly collars sucked, even in the ‘70s. But this guy’s hilariously oversized butterfly collar screams, “please karate my face.” He’s got serious balls flaring that collar out so far when a master as renowned and deadly as Afro Businessman is right there on the front row.

I am honestly convinced that the yellow sequined leather jumpsuit is not of this Earth. I hate to fall back on this crutch, but there is seriously nothing I can say about it that will be as funny as the jumpsuit itself. However, I can say this. When this guy called up the store and requested a tight leather yellow jumpsuit with sequined circles on it, I hope the clerk notified the authorities immediately afterwards.

I see the microphone, but I see no band, amps, or speakers except for the one center stage, which poses a very important question…what the fuck is this guy doing? Perhaps the answer lies in that empty cardboard box in the middle of the stage. It’s possible that this guy is the world’s gayest prop-comic or the world’s gayest cereal tester. As you can tell, I have no idea what he is, but I'm pretty decisive about the fact that whatever he is, he’s the world’s gayest one of them.

After all of that, the black socks with the white shoes are almost forgivable. In fact, I don’t blame this guy for the fact that I’m looking at those white Cousin Eddie Griswold shoes. I blame everyone else, because when someone walks out on stage wearing shoes that bad, it immediately becomes the duty of everyone in that audience to take those shoes and shove them in his ass.