The SECRET OF NIMH Was The Shits!

[This article was originally written three weeks ago, but posting was put on hold due to a Wilmington beach trip and a "Stephen King's The Stand"-caliber stomach virus. It was also, sadly, the last article ever written in Charlotte, NC. I live in Hollywood now.]

I’ve got a really bad stomach virus right now. In fact, I ran to the bathroom three times before I was able to finish typing that last sentence. Earlier, fearing eminent death, I genius-ly attempted to neutralize whatever nauseous terror was threatening to launch out of my stomach by laying down and putting in the least nauseating movie ever made: The Secret of NIMH, which I haven’t watched in a while.

Understand that I, for the most part, prefer things that are badass to things that are faggy. After today’s viewing of The Secret of NIMH, I can honestly say that this animated movie about a female mouse is one of the most badass things ever. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right--where I’m from, saying shit like that will get your head dunked into a toilet by the captain of the football team at best or dropped into a snake pit full of cobras at the worst, and believe me, there’s a lot more of those around here than you’d think. But in the Secret of NIMH’s case, I’m willing to back up my claim of it's toughness. Most of this back-up comes purely from nostalgia: The Secret of NIMH was my favorite movie when I was six years old--not Return of the Jedi, not Tron, but the Secret of Goddamned NIMH. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I called it when my parents asked me which video I wanted to rent from the store. It was a sweet little movie about a cartoon mouse who is forced to conduct dealings with cartoon, genetically-enhanced rats, who are the only ones strong and clever enough to move her cement cinderblock home to evade a (I always assumed Nazi and probably child molesting) farmer’s impending seasonal plow. And that's it. There's no zombies, no lightsaber decapitations, no not talking about Fight Club.

Clearly, a mere plot summarization of the film isn’t going to convince you of my case, which is why I’ve decided to list the three reasons why The Secret of NIMH is the greatest thing to ever happen to animation, rats, and any combination thereof. I was also going to include directions for building your own shrine to this movie, but honestly, you probably wouldn’t be reading my site if you didn’t already have one. Assuming you do, let’s begin.

1.) The Secret of NIMH is Not for Pussies

If you are a male in his 20s, the number of musical numbers in an animated film is directly related to the number of times you should be kicked in the balls for having that film in your collection. Not only does The Secret of NIMH have zero of these; it takes the places where a cartoon movie would normally have singing and fills them in with sword fights, blood, or this motherfucker:


That's The Great Owl, kids, and right now he's in your closet.


The only thing remotely gay about this movie is the main theme (Flying Dreams, sung by Paul Williams, written by Jerry Goldsmith) which I have no problem admitting KICKS SO MUCH ASS. Because sometimes things that look really gay on the outside turn out to be badass, like Mrs. Pac Man or my old roommate Will.

2.) The Secret of NIMH stars Shannen Doherty and Wil Wheaton

Stand By Me's Wil Weaton and 90210's Shannen Doherty both provide voices for animated kid mice in this film. This paring is hilariously ironic, because in their future careers, Wil would go on to famously have a leech’s mouth on his balls, while Shannon would famously have her mouth attached to balls like a leech.


3.) The Secret of NIMH has an Awesome Villain

Jenner, the evil leader of the rats, is one of my favorite movie villains of all time, animated or otherwise. Because while Disney movie villains are prancing around like Sigfried and Roy, singing about how dastardly they are in a duet with their talking dinner set, Jenner is either killing someone or snarling about how much he’d rater be killing someone right now.




Pictured above: Jenner knifing his unarmed, overweight, probably diabetic best friend with some sort of magic laser sword. Pictured below: Oh fuck! I'm next!!!

So that's that. Five stars to you, Secret of NIMH.

[HILARIOUS UPDATE: After reading this, my old roommate sent me the following E-mail: "If you are going to use my name in a movie commentary, it should be used in a way that may look like this: If you could combine Yoda and Storm Shadow into one person, that person would probably be like my old roommate Will." ]