DOLLS is just two letters away from "Troll."

As far as I’m concerned, everyone who’s died during this year’s Spectacular has deserved what they’ve gotten, and in my opinion they haven’t gotten it bad enough? Why? Because last year, people were dissolving in the innards of tons and tons of gelatinous mass. Now I don’t know about you, but that’s how I want to go—either like that or in a lightcycle duel. This year, however, people are dying in housefires set by monkeys. Man, there’s even more honor in getting snapped in the ass with a gay towel by Freddy Kruger than in dying in a housefire set by something that flings shit at you at your zoo.

Dolls was on cable, so I watched it. It was a genuinely creepy movie with a lot of wicked deaths, but the point is: none of them should’ve happened in the first place. Do you realize that the combined heights of the killers in the last three reviews comes to just under three feet? In a weird way, though, that’s why I love Dolls.

In Dolls—and in Troll—whenever a character saw the title villain approaching, they threw up their hands and screamed like their dicks were on fire. I find this hilarious, because, in the three Hellraiser movies I’ve seen, every time Pinhead aka The Lord of Pain, shows up, whoever’s in the room at the time casually strikes up a conversation with him. I am not kidding. No one has ever flipped out when the walls of the room split open and an eight-foot tall man with blue skin and nails in his head appeared. I’ll tell you what—for a manifestation of pure evil Pinhead is pretty chatty, and if you’ve at least skimmed How to Win Friends and Influence People, you can probably talk yourself out of an eternity of underworld face-hookings. On the other hand, I wouldn’t laugh at you if you didn’t, cause he's Pinhead. But dolls who come to life?

Imagine for a second that your G.I. Joes came to life and tried to kill you. You shouldn’t be doing anything else but tying them up, putting little blindfolds on them, and saying, “Alright, solider. Knowing is half the battle…and the other half is this firework up your ass! And by the way, while you all were oversees, I was home fucking your wives!” before blowing them to action figure hell. And in the above sentence, anything else especially includes “getting killed by them.”


"Alright Pinhead, maybe Connery was a better Bond than Moore, but you have to admit, Walken was great in A View to a Kill. And don't tell me Tonya Roberts didn't create a little movement down below, if you know what I mean!"

Vs.


"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! AHHHH SWEET HOLY JESUS, IT'S AS IF IT'S EATING MY VERY SOUL!!!"

I liked Dolls a lot. It was fun, it was great to crack on with the friend I watched it with, and it had some really awesome shit in it, like that scence depicted in their movie poster above, which is an actual death scene in the film. 2 ½ Jason Heads.