Face Transplants?

One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard anyone say was said by my sophomore-year roommate. Of course, it was said at the expense of the ugly. Otherwise, we usually don't say it.


One day we saw a girl with the most amazing body walk by, but when she turned around, I swear to all things holy she had a face that would make a freight train stop dead in its tracks and turn off on a dirt road. Even more so, it looked like it had been hit by that freight train. While we we’re all frozen in utter fear my roommate was the only one able to speak, and out came the funniest words ever spoken by man: “Well, it was a great song…too bad about the video.” To this day, we say that every time we see someone who fits the above description.


Things haven’t gotten any easier for the ugly since my Sophomore year. Nowadays, their "people"--with their hideous physical features and appetite for destruction--have no choice but to envy us normals from their special labor camps. Plus, I’m pretty sure that if we still had dinosaurs, we’d offer them our ugly as food. But things may be about to change. Their problems of the ugly may soon be solved by science, the very force that brought us Mr. Wizard and The Hulk on one hand and everything that’s been predicted by movies to destroy the human race on the other.


According to an article released by the BBC, reconstructive surgeons in France have recently completed the first partial face transplant, while American surgeons say a total face transplant is not completely out of the question.

I don’t trust or like science. I don’t trust science because it’s evil, and I don’t like science because it’s no fun. I mean, it’s 2006. Where are the laser guns? The flying cars? The floating cities? Unless it’s been doing it while I’m at work, my car cannot yet transform into a killer robot warrior. But no. Instead of working on something rad like that, science decided it would rather devote it’s time and resources to making ugly people look better. Bitch, I can do that on my own by drinking a six-pack of Pabst.


The BBC article reveals that the face transplant surgery took place in order to repair a woman’s face after a severe dog attack. Doctors stress that the woman will not look like her donor, but nor will she look like she did before the attack. Instead she will have a "hybrid" face. While we’re on the subject of the donor, I should probably mention that she was still fucking alive at the time. Actual quote from the article:


"The transplant would have to come from a beating-heart donor. So...say your sister was in intensive care. You would have to agree to allow her face to be removed before the ventilator was switched off."


I’m sure you would agree, Freddy Kruger, but I think you may want to check with the donor as well. I’m sure when she filled out her organ donor card, she was all “yeah, I guess I only need one kidney. Why not?” Could you imagine waking up from a coma to discover you were the donor of your face?


Face Donor: How long have I been out?


Doctor: You’ve been in a coma for approximately ten years.


Face Donor: Ten years! Wow! So what’s new in the world? Did Alf ever win an Emmy? Did that Elton John ever get married…he was always such the ladies man!


Doctor: There have actually been many advances in the world of science since you’ve been under.


Face Donor: Sweet! Like what! Robot gorillas! Lightsabers? Portable Ataris?


Doctor: Uh, no. Why don’t you grab this mirror and see for yourself.


The article went on to note that the woman - who wishes to remain anonymous - was in "excellent general health" and said the graft looked normal. The article did not mention if she looked “normal” for a normal person, or “normal” for someone who had just had someone else’s face put onto their own. I, for one, thought the guy in Robocop who fell into that vat of toxic waste and came out half-melted looked perfectly normal for someone who just fell into a vat of toxic waste, but that doesn’t mean that if he got a job at McDonald’s and I was the manager I’d put him behind the counter.


“There is no difference between a face transplant, hand transplant, or indeed receiving blood from another,” the article went on to say. “Yeah, except for the fact that when the surgerys done you look like someone fucking else,” I added. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both surgeries. Motherfucker, Hellraiser II and Muppet Babies both come on TV, that doesn’t mean you need to be showing them as a double feature at you’re kid’s 10th birthday party. Not to mention, when it's over you've got something on your head that can be described as a "hybird face."


"It is not clear whether an individual could be left worse off in the event that a face transplant failed," said Dr. Stephen Wingmore. This is an actual quote from the article, which only proves my theory that the number of Masters’ degrees you have hanging on your wall has nothing to do with the ratio of your brains that have completely dried up.


The article never mentioned if the purpose of the face transplant was to heal the woman’s face from the dog attack, or simply to disguise her from the dog should they cross paths again.