ALICE, SWEET ALICE Hates Fat People

Alice isn't really a bad girl. When it came down to it, all she was guilty of was being a bitch while on her period and putting roaches on a fat guy. Let's be honest--all girls are bitches on their period, and I think you're doing society a huge disservice if you're not putting roaches on fat people.

The devil really got it bad in the movies of the late '70s, but only Alice, Sweet Alice had the balls to make God the antagonist. That's why I liked it, because sometimes, isn't that just how it is? You know how actors are always thanking God in their Oscar acceptance speechs? Why doesn't anyone ever blame God when they lose?

Alice, Sweet Alice is about a girl in an over-religious family who, of course, is presented to be the movie's lead villian a la The Good Son, even though the majority of her family spend the majority of the movie slapping the shit out of her and totally deserve any knifings they may possibly be getting in the future. Typical horror-movie killings occour until about halfway through the movie, when we find out who the real killer is. It was someone who was wearing the exact same costume that Alice liked to wear, and it's important to note that the movie's characters spent the whole movie investingating the murders, but they still swore up and down that the killer was Alice until the real killer revealed themself at the end. Their detective work involved an entire police force and it's modern equipment. It apparently didn't involve looking at the killer and noticing the person was three times taller than Alice.

I only write about things that I can joke about, so I'm not going to go into detail about the greatest movie death involving a shoe I've ever seen, but it was awesome. Aside from this, the creepiest thing about Alice, Sweet Alice was Alice's 450 lb. (at least) landlord who would've been plenty disgusting WITHOUT the huge piss-stain on his pants.

One of my favorite things about Alice, Sweet Alice was how Brooke Shields' name was in a bigger font than the movie title's on the box, but she was in the movie for about five minutes. It figures that a movie about girls would lure me in with this bait-and-switch treachery, because real girls do this to guys all the time. I can't tell you how many times I've been to Dixie's and bought shot after shot for the hot girl at the table, only to find out the one who really liked me was the fat friend.

You know what? I've been watching these movies all October, and Alice Sweet Alice was the first creepy movie I've seen all month. Three Jason heads. And lest you think my writings have no social value, the moral of this review is this: put down that twinkie and hop on the treadmill right now, or somewhere, when you least expect it, a girl will put roaches on you. If you think she won't, you're only lying to yourself.