The Worst Picture Ever

There it is. The worst picture ever. That sound you’re hearing right now is your eyeballs frying.

I have no idea where, when, or why it was taken, but one thing is perfectly clear: this picture wants to see you dead. I understand that right now, everything in your head is screaming at you to look away, but I invite you to take a deep breath and just give this picture one good, long stare. I was reluctant to review this picture, knowing full well that nothing I write about it could ever be as funny as the picture itself. Plus, judging by the look on our hero’s face, it might even be socially unacceptable to make fun of it. It’s very possible that what we’re dealing with here are record-breaking levels of retardness.

Whatever. I’m still going to make fun of it. From left to right, check out

Buckwheat
He’s on the far left, wearing an “Othello” board as a t-shirt. We can’t see Buckwheat’s face, but I’m pretty sure that on it is the most genuine “what the fuck?!” look the world has ever experienced. His afro is twice the size of his head, but I’d bet that his hair was flat when he came in and it literally exploded out like that when that homosexual banana pranced out on stage. The last time I saw an afro like that was on the Black Panthers in that movie Dead Presidents. If this guy is a Black Panther, and this concert was held as a peaceful gesture to convince his people that Whitey is a-okay, I think it’s safe to say we failed miserably.

The bricks under the speaker
I was going to make fun of how ghetto the entire stage setup was, until I realized it had to be. No legitimate facility would ever sanction this event. Shit, I’m sure there are some P.O.W. camps that would even balk at this as a form of torture in favor of less-brutal testicle shockers.

Check out that stack of empty refridgerators in the background. This event is being held in a landfill.


Afro Businessman
There’s so much wrong with this picture that you really owe your brain an apology after looking at it. One of the most disturbing things in it is Afro Businessman. A living, breathing clusterfuck in and of himself, Afro Businessman dares to combine the professionalism of a coat and tie with the "I live with my parents" admission of an afro. A comically oversized afro. He’s also sporting a moustache on half the surface area of his face. Afro Businessman is suspiciously overdressed for the occasion, which means he’s either Yellow Jumpsuit’s manager or he hilariously flip-flopped the dress code lines on his Star Trek Singles event and Special Education Talent Show invitations. Either way he should be shot.

Look how, from left to right, the picture’s demographics go “adults, Afro Businessman, children.” Now, I’m not implying that at least three of those boys are going home with Afro Businessman in the back of a white van with or against their own will, but….yo, check this out. That’s exactly what I’m implying.


Dickhead
Let me try to put this in perspective for you. You know how you sometimes see a guy who accidentally put on mismatched socks, missed a belt loop, or skipped a button? You have a quick laugh at how ridiculous he looks and then forget about it. Now imagine you saw this guy. He was somehow able to—from head to toe—get everything as wrong as you could possibly get it. The saddest part is—he did it on purpose.

That haircut is what happens when a man sits down in the barber’s chair and says, “give me ‘the penis.’” The look on this guy’s face and the chambered Tiger Woods fist-pump is reflective of how happy he is with the success of said haircut. Butterfly collars sucked, even in the ‘70s. But this guy’s hilariously oversized butterfly collar screams, “please karate my face.” He’s got serious balls flaring that collar out so far when a master as renowned and deadly as Afro Businessman is right there on the front row.

I am honestly convinced that the yellow sequined leather jumpsuit is not of this Earth. I hate to fall back on this crutch, but there is seriously nothing I can say about it that will be as funny as the jumpsuit itself. However, I can say this. When this guy called up the store and requested a tight leather yellow jumpsuit with sequined circles on it, I hope the clerk notified the authorities immediately afterwards.

I see the microphone, but I see no band, amps, or speakers except for the one center stage, which poses a very important question…what the fuck is this guy doing? Perhaps the answer lies in that empty cardboard box in the middle of the stage. It’s possible that this guy is the world’s gayest prop-comic or the world’s gayest cereal tester. As you can tell, I have no idea what he is, but I'm pretty decisive about the fact that whatever he is, he’s the world’s gayest one of them.

After all of that, the black socks with the white shoes are almost forgivable. In fact, I don’t blame this guy for the fact that I’m looking at those white Cousin Eddie Griswold shoes. I blame everyone else, because when someone walks out on stage wearing shoes that bad, it immediately becomes the duty of everyone in that audience to take those shoes and shove them in his ass.

Homemade Fireworks Cuts The Russian

There is no movie more ‘80s than Rocky IV. The opening scene of the U.S. boxing glove and the Russian boxing glove hitting head-on and sparks flying everywhere says it all. One: intros this gay are usually reserved only for ‘80s movies, and two: this is probably the only movie in existence that could’ve only been made in the ‘80s. You won’t be in the movie theatre watching a jacked up white man in American flag pants beat the shit out of a porn-mustached Iraqi boxer, his turban-wearing trainer, and veil-wearing wife in a stadium full of Iraqis after running through the desert and bench pressing camels anytime soon, even though you totally wish you could. Rocky IV, however, was fortunate enough to beat the pussification of the American media by about 10 years, giving us the most politically incorrect and ultimately rad movie of all-time.

Yeah, Rocky beats up a Russian. We all know that. Here’s a look at some of the less noticable things that are unfortunately overlooked but contribute equally to Rocky IV's greatness.

The singing robot
When you’re watching Rocky III, you’re thinking “This is the Goddamned 80est movie ever.” It had Hulk Hogan, Mr. T., pinball, I even thought I saw The Muppet Show in there. Stallone instantly usurped his predecessor by tossing the “fuck off, Reds” theme on Rocky IV right off the bat. Then he threw in an unprecedented two musical montages. When you thought the laws of the cosmos made it impossible to make anything more ‘80s, Stallone went absolutely batshit and threw in a singing robot. There is no question in my mind that the ending was originally supposed to be John Cryer breakdancing on a Q*Bert machine.

There’s a scene in the movie where the seductively female-voiced robot interrupts Rocky’s dinner to tell Rocky how cute it thinks Pauly is, which proves suspicions I originally formed way back in Rocky II. Pauly will stick his penis in anything.

Apollo Creed’s Wardrobe
Until I saw this movie, I thought the basis for judging how good a fighter someone was was how many articles of clothing that person had with the American Flag on it. I can’t believe I was so blind to not notice that an American Flag top hat is only going to make people want to beat you up more. I know this girl who hikes her pants up to her breasts. Of course my friends and I make fun of her liberally, but that’s where it ends. That damn top hat got Apollo killed.



James Brown’s Face
I honestly stayed around for the credits because I had to know whether or not James Brown was played by a catcher’s mitt. His face honestly looked like a cowboy boot that had been left out in the yard all summer. No wonder they call this guy the godfather of soul…he looks like he’s old enough to be the father of everybody. But he lives in America, and he feels good about it.

2000 PSI
According to Drago’s awesomely stereotyped Russian trainer, Drago’s punches max out at 2000 pounds of pressure per square inch. For reference purposes, Mike Tyson was throwing punches at 750 psi in his prime. I imagine 2000 psi would be like getting hit by an SUV full of fat people. He manages to hit Rocky in the head about 50 times and Rocky still survives 15 rounds.

And finally, I’ve saved the best for last.

Duke
You know how Boba Fett was only in the Star Wars movies for a total of five minutes, but now he somehow became this iconic figure with a huge cult following. That’s what Duke is to me. In fact, all of that introductory bullshit was just so I could write about “the black Mickey.” I wasn't even paying attention to what I was typing until now.

Duke (brilliantly played by Tony Burton) was Apollo’s trainer. He joined Rocky’s camp when Apollo died because Apollo really didn’t need a trainer any more. When Rocky finally makes Drago bleed, Duke jumps up and down and yells, "he's cut, he's cut!,” seizureing his way into catchphrase history. Back in Wyoming, whenever one of my friends did anything that was seemingly impossible, we “cut the Russian.” Usage example: “You got an ‘A’ on that physics test?!” “Yep. I cut the Russian.”

I think the entire “Rocky” character was just a front. These movies were made to tell Duke’s story.

So there you have it. What better way to end this review than with Rocky’s own finale words: “In here there were two guys killing each other but I guess thats better than fifty million. What I am trying to say if if I can change and if you can change, everybody can change". I have no idea what that means, but it offered an inspirational end to the most ‘80s movie of all time, and almost made me forget that I just watched a two-hour political cold war allegory that centered around a retarded boxer from South Philly.

Oh yeah. Don’t think I didn’t notice that there are two songs on Rocky IV's soundtrack about flaming hearts. Because there are.