The Five Greatest Movie Guns of the 80s

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The Five Greatest Movie Guns of the 80s

Film was a relatively young media in the 1960s, and back then, when people used the term “movie controversy,” they were probably just referring to a guy pulling the “penis in the popcorn box” trick on his girlfriend at the drive-in. Awesomely, we now live in a time where finding an unexpected penis in your popcorn box is the least of your worries. [Something else here.] Worst of all: kids are killing each other and blaming it on the movies—more specifically—guns in movies. The irony is 1992’s Reservoir Dogs was booed by critics because it had too many guns in it, while 2002’s theatrical re-release of E.T. was jeered by fans because all the guns had been digitally replaced with walkie-talkies. That’s just how controversial guns are: they’re starting shit whether you’re putting them into your movie or taking them out.  

As a celebration of guns in movies, I bring you the top five movie guns of all time.

#5  The The Black Hole Gun

You can mimic the shape of this gun by making the “Rock-on” Devil Horns sign with your hand, but tucking your thumb in and turning your hand sideways.[need joke]. Disney’s The Black Hole taught the world that if you ever need to burn a hole in a mannequin painted by an A.D. to look like a robot, the Black Hole laser pistol is the best way to go. More here. And you might not land on the Cygnuss with knowlege or understanding of these guns, but all of your crew will have one in each hand by the second scene of the movie. 

#4 Jesse The Body’s Gun in Predator

Research has revealed to me that in real-life, this type of gun is typically mounted on helicopters. Anyone who’s seen this gun knows that it would’ve been a lot more practical for Jesse to just carry around the whole helicopter. More here.

#3 The Quadruple-Barreled Shotgun in Phantasm II

Anyone who’s watched as many horror movies as I have knows this fact: A horror movie weapons’ effectiveness is based on how cool it looks as opposed to how effective it would actually be in killing things. Since this is the long-established rule, why not add four more barrels to the shotgun and make it a six-barreled shotgun? Or four more? Why not have him just carry around Jackie Chan? More here. 

#2 Megatron (Transformers: The Movie)

Megatron is the only gun on this list that has never once shot anything. He is also the only gun on this list that spends it’s time thinking of ways to conquer the Earth when it’s not being a gun. I don’t say that as a point of sale to Megatron’s credit, though, because all of the other guns on this list could probably think of better plans.

Megatron is a 30-foot tall robot who can turn into a 30-foot-long gun, and he is obsessed with taking over the world, but can never quite figure out where to start or how to succeed, apparently forgetting that he is also 30-foot tall flying gun. If you're something that can be described as a 30-foot tall flying gun, you don't need to spend the majority of your time developing a satellite that could somehow seize control of Earth’s weather, allowing him to freeze the oceans, thus cutting off our tuna supply and punishing us into submission by forcing us to eat dinners that weren’t quite as tasty with lemon juice. That’d be like if Tom Brady walked into Dixie’s with a bottle of Dom Perignon in one hand and a handful of chocolate roofies in the other and spent his time alone in the corner sketching out on a napkin how to build a panty-remover contraption out of cocktail straws. 

#1 The Looker Gun (Looker, 1983)

The Looker Gun is the perfect example of movie science written by a writer that was probably writing his script when he should’ve been taking notes in science class. The looker gun shoots no bullets or lasers. Instead, it shoots a beam of light that puts whoever sees the light into a hypnotic trance for roughly an hour or two. And oh yeah, whoever's holding the gun is sometimes invisible and sometimes not, depending on whether or not the director of the movie happened to remember the Looker Gun powers on that particular day of filming. One last thing--if you’re wearing huge sunglasses you’re immune to the trance-inducing light it shoots, meaning the Looker Gun doesn’t work on Nicole Ritchie, the girls of Alpha Delta Pi, my Grandma, or child molesters.

The “Looker” gun is the greatest movie gun of all-time because it can do things that no inanimate object should be able to do. There is a scene in the movie where they try to explain the logic behind how the Looker Gun works, but since the gun itself defies all logic, the scene is moot. [More here]

So let me get this straight:  the Looker gun freezes whoever you shoot with it and makes whoever’s holding it invisible? Of course it wins the prize, because while all of the other guns in this article may kill aliens or turn into talking robots, the Looker Gun is the only one that will get you in and out of the girls’ locker room without getting sent to the principal’s office.