The Worst Goddamned Myspace Bulletin I've Ever Been Forwarded

Remember how, back in eighth grade, you'd sit by your phone all day waiting for the girl you gave your number to to call you? Remember how absolutely batshit you went when the phone finally rang, and remember how disappointed you were when the call turned out to be just your mom? Myspace bulletins are the exact same thing. You're so happy to log in and find something new on the board, but youre so disappointed when you find out that the new message is only a cut-and-paste forward from someone who wants to kill you.

Every one of these bulletins are bad, but about four month ago I received in my inbox the worst goddamned bulletin Ive ever gotten. I was going to let it go until just last night, when I received the exact same bulletin again. Its so absolutely insane that I had to share it with all of you. It appears in all of its grammatically incorrect entirety below.

My commentary appears in bold.

5 PPL ACTUALLY GOT KILLED BY NOT SENDING THIS PIECE OF MAIL. [Bullshit. The only way that's possible is if they weren't forwarding this while falling out of a plane.] THE CREATOR OF THIS MAIL HAS A PROGRAM THAT WILL TRACK DOWN UR ADDRESS. [Nice. I have a finger that can use the phonebook to do the exact same thing. Plus, my address is printed on my curb. While Mystery Bulletin Creator was hopped up on Meth, hacking into government mainframes to discover where my issues of "Teen People" are sent, my neighbor was getting the same results by opening his blinds. Plus, how is someone going to kill me by knowing my address? I'm convinced that this bulletin is the first time "good memory" has ever been used as a murder weapon.] WHAT DO U HAVE TO LOSE? UR LIFE. PLZ REPOST! [With all those IM abbreviations, I have come to the conclusion that the person who wrote the program that learns my address and then kills me is either a 13-year-old girl or Kelly Clarkson.] THANK YOU AND HAVE A MEANINGFUL REST OF YOUR DAY. [Jesus.]

Sorry, but because u opened this you will die in 3 days. sorry. [After admitting to someone that you're responsible for their death, I'm not sure "sorry" quite cuts it. Neither do two "sorrys." The fact is, you could drive a dump truck full of sorrys right up my ass and as much as I'd appreciate it, I'd still rather be alive to watch tomorrow's episode of "Maury."] the only way you can reverse this is by reposting it within 5 minutes. good luck [What's the "good luck" for? Are you implying that I may have a hard time re-posting a bulletin? Thanks for the good luck wish asshole, but I'm pretty sure I could move the mouse and click on the "send" button even if I didn't have any Goddamned hands. Come to think of it, I've actually seen computers for paraplegics whose mouses operate on a "puff of air" system, but believe me. Instead of forwarding this bulletin, paraplegics' time would be much better spent blowing whatever the puff equivalent of "suck my fat one" is in an e-mail to you.]

By opening this chainmail u have been given bad luck for 2 months. [Which is sort of like adding insult to injury since I'll be dead in three days. I guess that means that not only will I be dead, but in Heaven I'll catch all the red lights.] If u repost this message then the bad luck will turn good. [Well get you some of this: I didn't repost this motherfucker about a month ago when I got it, and not only am I not dead, but last night I was flipping through TBS and I came across the Senior Skip Day episode of Saved By The Bell where Kelly Kapowski was in a bikini. If thats not good luck, youre going to have to send me a very detailed description of what is.]

Here are the rules.

Give the bulletin a name that has nothing to do with a chain letter because this letter is a trap. The more people that you trick, the better luck you will have
MAKE A TITLE TO THROW SOMEONE OFF [If there is any truth to the sentence "the more people you trick, the better luck you'll have," I should start buying some lottery tickets right now, because I spent three years of college convincing girls that I was a J-Crew model and Josh Hartnett's cousin (I'm not kidding). Not to mention, it doesnt matter if you give the letter a name that has noting to do with a chain letter or not, because this describes 99 percent of the things that appear on the Myspace bulletin board anyway. I've learned my lesson. I dont care how many times you put the words "Galaxain" or "Jean Claude Van Damme" in your title, I'm not clicking on it.]

So thats it. Basically, I got a forward from a guy who wanted to kill me so he could have good luck. The bulletin said "the more people you forward this to, the better luck you'll have." I looked at this guys page and he had over 500 "friends," which means right now, if that statement is true, hes sitting at his computer sending forwards from a land populated by candy and blowjobs.

And oh yeah. If you dont forward this blog to all of your friends by next Friday, your dong will explode.

NIGHT FEEDERS SCREENING IN CHARLOTTE, NC!

I fucking hate aliens. They're always coming here and stealing our water and blowing up our landmarks. Before October 2004, my saving-the-earth exploits were pretty much just me making fun of a girl in my Economics class who looked just like the aliens from Independence Day. But in October 2004, I starred in a movie called Night Feeders, which was produced for less money than you payed for lunch today. In Night Feeders, I wear really tight "Wranglers" and kill a lot of aliens.

Night Feeders will be having its WORLD PREMIERE SCREENING in Charlotte, NC on July 29 at 8:00 p.m!! Come out and watch me stick a shotgun in a lot of aliens' whatever thier alien word for "mouth" is.

Financial liabilities wont allow me to attend, but if youre a friend of mine and decide to go, promise me youll do two things:

1.) Get good and drunk before you go, and

2.) Go absolutely batshit when my name comes up on the credits.


WHAT: Night Feeders Big Screen World Premiere Screening
WHEN: Saturday, July 29, 2006, 8:00 PM
WHERE: Indievision parking lot. (Its an outdoor venue, so bring chairs, blankets, and a cooler full of PBR. Beer and food will also be available for purchase.)
1318 Central Avenue
Charlotte NC, 28205
704-373-7432


Dont miss your (probably only) chance to see Night Feeders on the big screen.

Fuck yeah!


Check out the NIGHT FEEDERS TRAILER at www.thefeedingmovie.com