To Train Up A Child
TO TRAIN UP A CHILD: A BOOK REVIEW
Anyone who has ever listened to Whitney Houston or seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome knows that children are our future. Thats' why I consider it a kick to the world's futures groin that no one has written a book that will teach kids how to help Mel Gibson reclaim a post-apocalyptic wasteland from Tina Turner and a midget who rides around in a big retarded man's backpack. Instead, we get To Train Up A Child, which is undoubtedly the catalyst that will lead to the previously mentioned post-apocalyptic world.
Ever since the invention of children there have been books written to help parents raise them. Of these books, the most effective seem to be the ones written by child psychiatrists, counselors, or people who have never smeared animal feces on each other and made furniture out of the femurs of dead people. The authors of To Train Up A Child are disqualified on all three accounts. To Train Up A Child is ironic because it is a book on how to raise children written by people who probably shouldnt be allowed to live in a country that has children in it. In that respect, this book is a lot like that 300-pound fat guy at your gym with the tube socks and sweatband who tries to give you tips on how to do your crunches. And much like that fat guy, this book will make you want to put your foot in its ass.
To Train Up A Child was written by Michael and Debi Pearl. The book's forward tells us they have 6 children, but fails to mention whether any of them have lived past the age of 3. Since this book has no less than three chapters with the word "rod" in the title, plus one with the word "whip," I'm going to guess "none."
The majority of the advice in To Train Up A Child revolves around beating your kids, which is simultaneously the most rad and disturbing thing I think I've ever seen. The Pearls want you to beat your kids so badly that the very first words that appear in this book after the forward are SWITCH YOUR KIDS, in big bold letters. Now that's comedy. Thatd be like the first words in How To Win Friends and Influence People being KICK PEOPLE IN THE GROIN AND TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHERS TO BLOW YOU. Before we go any further, perhaps its necessary to mention that Michael and Debi are Amish and live in an Amish community. Im sure that explains a lot but, if youre like me, it probably doesn't.
When beating your children, To Train Up A Child recommends a belt, a ruler, a tree branch, or a shoe, and I swear to God I'm not making any of this up. That's one hell of a checklist. If you plan on following the advice found in this book, allow me to make some recommendations of my own to add to that list: a wicked set of venetian blinds (preferably closed), a passport, and a good alias. I usually use "Alistair Gillis."
In chapter 3, Michael and Debi take a break from telling you how to beat your children just long enough to explain how to beat your pets. I don't know how they know so much about beating animals, but my guess is because all six of the Pearl children had already been knocked unconscious by the time Michael and Debi had finished writing the forward. "If you kick [a cat] hard enough and often enough it will become sufficiently wary to obey while you remain on guard, but will still bolt through the door when it sees the opportunity," writes Michael. It was at this point in the book that I realized that the Pearl's solution on how to cure anything was to hit it. "If you want your child to fall into the New World Order and wait his turn in line for condoms, a government funded abortion, sexually transmitted disease treatment, psychological evaluation, and a mark on the forehead, then follow the popular guidelines in education, entertainment and discipline, but if you want a son or daughter of God, you will have to do it Gods way." And according to the sub-title on page 38, "God spanks his children."
The only thing I took from To Train Up A Child is this: if you ever see the Pearls anywhere doing anything but hitting something, its not the Pearls. If it's not their children or their pets they're pummeling, theyre rearing back and giving our very minds a big old bitch slap with more child-rearing advice like that in the above paragraph. Luckily I wont be quoting any more of it, because certain government regulations limit the amount of To Train Up A Child quotes that can appear on one Web page and Im afraid this one is pushing the limits as it is.
SMACK!
Anyone who has ever listened to Whitney Houston or seen Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome knows that children are our future. Thats' why I consider it a kick to the world's futures groin that no one has written a book that will teach kids how to help Mel Gibson reclaim a post-apocalyptic wasteland from Tina Turner and a midget who rides around in a big retarded man's backpack. Instead, we get To Train Up A Child, which is undoubtedly the catalyst that will lead to the previously mentioned post-apocalyptic world.
Ever since the invention of children there have been books written to help parents raise them. Of these books, the most effective seem to be the ones written by child psychiatrists, counselors, or people who have never smeared animal feces on each other and made furniture out of the femurs of dead people. The authors of To Train Up A Child are disqualified on all three accounts. To Train Up A Child is ironic because it is a book on how to raise children written by people who probably shouldnt be allowed to live in a country that has children in it. In that respect, this book is a lot like that 300-pound fat guy at your gym with the tube socks and sweatband who tries to give you tips on how to do your crunches. And much like that fat guy, this book will make you want to put your foot in its ass.
To Train Up A Child was written by Michael and Debi Pearl. The book's forward tells us they have 6 children, but fails to mention whether any of them have lived past the age of 3. Since this book has no less than three chapters with the word "rod" in the title, plus one with the word "whip," I'm going to guess "none."
The majority of the advice in To Train Up A Child revolves around beating your kids, which is simultaneously the most rad and disturbing thing I think I've ever seen. The Pearls want you to beat your kids so badly that the very first words that appear in this book after the forward are SWITCH YOUR KIDS, in big bold letters. Now that's comedy. Thatd be like the first words in How To Win Friends and Influence People being KICK PEOPLE IN THE GROIN AND TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHERS TO BLOW YOU. Before we go any further, perhaps its necessary to mention that Michael and Debi are Amish and live in an Amish community. Im sure that explains a lot but, if youre like me, it probably doesn't.
When beating your children, To Train Up A Child recommends a belt, a ruler, a tree branch, or a shoe, and I swear to God I'm not making any of this up. That's one hell of a checklist. If you plan on following the advice found in this book, allow me to make some recommendations of my own to add to that list: a wicked set of venetian blinds (preferably closed), a passport, and a good alias. I usually use "Alistair Gillis."
In chapter 3, Michael and Debi take a break from telling you how to beat your children just long enough to explain how to beat your pets. I don't know how they know so much about beating animals, but my guess is because all six of the Pearl children had already been knocked unconscious by the time Michael and Debi had finished writing the forward. "If you kick [a cat] hard enough and often enough it will become sufficiently wary to obey while you remain on guard, but will still bolt through the door when it sees the opportunity," writes Michael. It was at this point in the book that I realized that the Pearl's solution on how to cure anything was to hit it. "If you want your child to fall into the New World Order and wait his turn in line for condoms, a government funded abortion, sexually transmitted disease treatment, psychological evaluation, and a mark on the forehead, then follow the popular guidelines in education, entertainment and discipline, but if you want a son or daughter of God, you will have to do it Gods way." And according to the sub-title on page 38, "God spanks his children."
The only thing I took from To Train Up A Child is this: if you ever see the Pearls anywhere doing anything but hitting something, its not the Pearls. If it's not their children or their pets they're pummeling, theyre rearing back and giving our very minds a big old bitch slap with more child-rearing advice like that in the above paragraph. Luckily I wont be quoting any more of it, because certain government regulations limit the amount of To Train Up A Child quotes that can appear on one Web page and Im afraid this one is pushing the limits as it is.
SMACK!
posted by Mike at
Thursday, June 15, 2006
11 Comments
