This weekend Peetie, Tick, and I went to USC, watched the Gamecocks lose, and played checkers with shotglasses full of alcohol, all with hilarious results. However, since I don’t have a digital camera yet, you won’t be seeing any of it. Instead, I’m going to talk about
Looker.I first saw
Looker on HBO in ’84 or ’85. It was a milestone in my life because it was the first time I ever saw breasts. Sadly, it was also the last.
In an amazing dose of myopic irony,
Looker stars Albert Finney, who would later star in
Big Fish, and
The Partridge Family’s Susan Dey, who has a mouth like a sea bass. With that said, don’t think for a second the sea bass in question is not one I wouldn’t slap on the ass and ride like Aquaman. Because it is.
The new movie poster above suggests that you’re in for a typical 1990s suspense-techno-thriller laced with murder, suspense and intrigue, while the original box art below suggests you’re in for big hair, a couple of Kim Carnes songs, gratuitous tit shots, and a man whose face looks like it’s being slowly eaten alive by his moustache. So which is it? Well, you could put a golden collar and a tiny Versace sweater on my parents’ dog Max, but he’s still gonna be shitting on the carpet tonight.
I think
Looker has something to do with TV commercials, but I’m not quite sure, because in the first 10 seconds this chick flashes us.
.
I’ve got to be honest, though. Not only does
Looker contain a pair of breasts so perfect that I believe they should replace the blue square with all the stars on our nations flag, it also has one of the coolest things in any movie, ever. The "Looker Gun."
If you’re trying to piece together what a movie who’s plot centers around TV commercials, guns, and breasts could possibly be about...don’t. No one knows. Just know that the The Looker Gun will rock you Amedeaus. There is an insane scene in the movie where they try to explain the science behind the Looker Gun, but since the gun itself defies all logic, I’ll try to break it down for you right now. The Looker Gun shoots a beam of light that puts whoever sees the light into a hypnotic trance. And when you pull the trigger it makes a really cool sound: “Phffffffffffffft….nananananana.” Oh holy shit that’s exactly what it sounds like. Oh yeah, and whoever's holding the gun is sometimes invisible and sometimes not, depending on whether or not the director of the movie happened to remember the Looker Gun powers on that particular day of filming. One last thing--if you’re wearing huge sunglasses you’re immune to the trance-inducing light it shoots, meaning the Looker Gun doesn’t work on child molesters, the aliens from “V,” or my Grandma.
.
(Thanks to
www.british.nerp.net for this kick-ass gif.)
I think the biggest fan of the Looker Gun has to be Albert Finney himself. When his character first discovers it, he really wants you to know that what he’s holding is in fact a gun, that it works using light, and that it’s pretty fucking cool. In fact, he takes about thirty minutes and five words to tell you that. Here’s the scene where him and Susan Dey break into the lab and discover the gun, word for word.
Albert Finney is flipping though the blueprints, reading: “It’s a gun that fires a beam of light which induces a hypnotic trance.”
(Susan Dey walks around looking through cabinets)
“The gun works with light. It puts you in a trance.”
(Susan Dey flips though some file folders)
“This is a gun unlike any gun ever made before. It works with light.”
Susan Dey is like in the other corner of the room.
“It uses light to put you in a hypnotic trance. Light! It’s not like any gun I’ve ever scene.
And then, I swear to God, he picks up the gun, and says, “This is the gun. It works on light.”
Anyway, I know all this because I saw
Looker again just this weekend, and it holds up about as well as skinny ties and Martika. However,
Looker will always have a special place in my heart because of that kick-ass gun.
“Phhtttt……nanananananana!!!”
