The Last Season's Hottest Gift!

[Written 7 months ago. Posted tonight, with modernizations.]

Until now, the best thing to ever come out of Japan was that line in Karate Kid II when the villian takes of his shirt, thows it at the girl, and says: "You rike, no? You keep...for your correction!" But things have changed.

This season's hottest Christmas gift is not the illustrated edition of The DiVinci Code, but it's very, very similar. Both products provide hours of entertainment while giving you an accurate and intreguing look into a foreign culture, and both leave you questioning the existance of God.

Much like the Furby before it, this year's hottest gift combines the wonders of technology with the insanity of the Japanese. The year's hottest gift is the "76-in-1." It's the year's hottest gift because the "76" in the title refers to the number of old-school Nintendo games it includes, and the "1," I think, refers to the number of amazingly low prices you have to pay to get them all. Don't get me wrong--even though I'm about to spend 3,000 words making fun of it, the 76-in-1 totally beats out Jesus as the reason for the season.

There's the 76-in-1 as I first saw it--being demoed in the mall by Tom Cruise from Collateral. It was being marketed at a kiyosk by some totally stereotypical and generic foreigner who probably made every one of them in his basement. As you'll see, the 76-in-1 breaks many of our country's import/export and copywright laws, and many of humanity's sanity laws. The 76-in-1 is all the proof I need that the Japanese haven't completely forgiven us for Pearl Harbor. The event or the movie.

Here's the first example. I've long believed that the best way to sell anything is to put a picture of a lightsaber battle on the box, but please understand that I say this in jest. But right there on the box is the classic duel from Star Wars: Episode I. This is hilarious because NONE of the games are Star Wars themed, or, to my knowledge, even take place in space. The only connection the 76-in-1 has with Episode I is that the guy who sold it to us sounded just like Watto. But don't worry...I'm sure the use of these characters was granted with George Lucas' COMPLETE approval.

I'm not going to waste your time reviewing the games, because you already know and love most of them. But it's impossible for anything to be completely rad: for every Elm Street 1 and 3 you've gotta have your 2. Mixed in with your Super Mario Bros., your Contra, and your Excitebike are your lesser known "hits," lesser known because they've probably been banned for safety purposes.

For example, you may have heard of the classic "Galaga," but when you have a 12-year-old Taiwaneese girl assembling your product in your closet between handjobs, you have to take some liberties to negotiate copywright laws. Hence: "Galaza"

Next up is "Pooyan," which until tonight was something I thougt you had to pay for from a Vietmnamese hooker. Pooyan stars you! as a pig on an elevator who moves up and down and shoots flying wolves with a bow and arrow. Pooyan is what killed the dinosaurs.

I was happy to see the 76-in-1 included Tekken, probably the prequel to the Playstation classics! But yet, when I select it, the title screen said "YIE ARE KUNG FU." Perhaps that's Japanese for "Tekken." I found out it was actually American for "YIE ARE KUNG FU"--that's what game it actually was. As if you didn't have enough of a reason to laugh at the 76-in-1, they named the first guy you fight in this game after genitals.

You get the idea. By the time you get though 28 games of bullshit, the 76-in-One knows you'll want to take out some aggression. That's why the 29th game is Wild Gunmen. Yeah, we'll see how wild those bastards are when I show them how we slang dem gats in my section. Of course, my showing them involved me holding the gun sideways. Ride or die, biatch. I'm your huckleberry.



Motherfucker, of course I didn't get the part of the guy who shot Jesse James in that movie I auditioned for--I can't even drop this guy from two feet away. And look at him, he's almost as tall as that mountain. Since I'm playing the 76-in-1, and since this game session AND this review were written on a Friday night, I'm not sure if in this picture, Wild Gunmen is talking about this game...or life.

When the 76-in-1 became the only thing I've ever reviewed that's ever insulted me back, I had had enough. Before coming into this, I knew exactly what to expect from a product that was coming from a country where you can buy used schoolgirl's panties from vending machines. I went home with my head hung low, leaving my friend The K-Man to enjoy, in private, what has gone on to become his favorite pasttime.