Thank you for coming, we’ve got a wonderful show planned for you this evening…

The Internet is a disease-ridden shit pile of misinformation at one end and sheep porn at the other. Homemade Fireworks is my miserably failed attempt at trying to somehow combine the two.

Me and my site come to you live from Charlotte, North Carolina, which is also sometimes referred to as the "Queen City," hopefully for reasons which have nothing to do with me. The name of this site, Homemade Fireworks, was, we’ll say "borrowed," from this article.It’s obscure placement on the site and kick-ass title made it perfect for my blog to, we’ll say, "borrow" from.

That’s all the back story you get because, well, that’s all the back story I’ve got. Except for about two years ago I was on that show "Elimidate" with this girl, who's hobbies include talking and apparently the Winston Cup series. Anyway, halfway thorugh the show she asked me what kind of animal I’d be in bed, and I told her "an Elephant." That was two seconds before I took my pants off and flossed them between my legs like that kid from American Pie so fast I can't believe my boxers didn't catch fire. You probably need to know that, too.